Things my dad use to say

My dad use to say: “We will never be rich but we will always have old clothes and food in the fridge.” I’m not sure why I feel the need to share this with you. Maybe it’s because the people I’m with remind me of him or maybe it’s because the country I’m in reminds me of a simpler time in my life or maybe it’s just because I miss him today.

It’s always strange to remember my dad and finish off the thought with: I’ll never be able to make new memories with him. Especially lately since everyone is talking about babies and marriage and all I keep thinking [the same thought I had the second my dad died] is how my children will never get to meet their grandfather and I wonder who will walk me down the  ail? I’ve had this stream of thought in my head for the last 4 years and I’m not even ready to be a 24/7 mother or wife yet. I can only imagine how insane I’ll get when I have to plan my actual wedding… My poor husband!

The most annoying thing with any loss is the fact that those 5 steps of grieving is more like a revolving door and just as you think you’re through it, you have to go around again. Ok, maybe using a nauseating rollercoaster would have been a better example but either way: the feelings come and go. How I feel right now will change in a few hours and then it might even change back a few hours later. I’m glad that I have a whole lot of people around me who understand this and knows that I have some issues that I can’t exactly check-off my to deal with list.

Mostly I remember the little things like his moustache that got wet when he drank water too fast and how I didn’t mind the slobbery goodbye kiss that followed. And usually all these memories make me smile, it’s just when I start to think; think about how it was or what if or what won’t be or even what will be, that’s when my smile fades to a glazed look masked with random giggling. I’m strange that way: if I walk around moping and all sad, I’m probably just looking for attention or someone to fight but when I smile you have to be concerned. It’s actually quite simple, I love talking and if I’m really happy or excited I won’t stop talking so you won’t catch me just sitting there with a smile on my face. When I’m really sad, I become quiet but when you smile, people tend to not bother you so it works out great. Well sort of…

Like I said I have amazing people around me and they know me better than that, they also know to look at my eyes. My eyes change colour with my moods and I’ve never been able to get them to lie. I love my eyes and I love my friends and I love my dad. And sometimes it’s good just to be sad.

Just a thought,

AM

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