I don’t look in the mirror as much…

I don’t look in the mirror as much as I use to. When I said it, I meant it quite literally but now that I read it I realize it’s even true figuratively…

 When I was little my parents had this cupboard in the living-room that was the perfect height if you were 2years old. As an only child I had a lot of time to myself and when I wasn’t playing with my Lego’s or falling out of a tree, I was in front of that mirror. In retrospect that is probably why I found it natural to write scripts which include camera angles and even sometimes remember things from a third person perspective. I use to walk into the bathroom looking like a pirate and walk out 3mins later looking like a cowboy… I even spent hours practicing facial expressions and teaching drama in High School gave me perfect excuse for it. Now I barely look in the mirror long enough to brush my hair.

I’m not sure what changed but at least I know I have more time now that I’ve stopped staring at myself for hours on end. Maybe it has something to do with me thinking/ obsessing about myself as much. Maybe it is even the reason I’ve stopped being so self absorbed…

 There’s this other part to being an only child most people overlook. It’s not just about your parents trying to compensate for your lack of siblings through earthly processions; it’s not just being spoiled simply because there’s only one of you. See, when you’re four years old and building a house of cards alone in your room and it falls down, at first you can blame the wind or the carpet you built it on. But eventually you come to the conclusion that you chose not to close the window that let the wind in or building a house on the floor instead of the even table. Eventually you realize that everything is affected by your choices so if something fails it’s your fault and there’s no one else to blame.

I could go on about what the crazy psychological aspects of realizing that you are the butterfly that caused the tsunami on the other side of the world can do to a four year old but instead I’ll skip ahead 19 years to where I am right now. Instead of believing that everything is my fault and I can control the world simply by perfectly planning my every move, I have come to peace with myself. I’m ok with not being the saviour of the world or even just being there for everyone I know before they have to ask for help. I’m ok with waiting for people to come to me if they need me and if they don’t I know that it’s their prerogative and not my responsibility to force them to ask for help.

 I think I’m babbling a bit but basically I have realized that I don’t have to do everything right all the time in order to be perfectly happy. It only took me 19 years to realize that I should cut myself some slack. Well, better late than never!

AM

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