Privilege of being human

I’ve been enjoying a quiet day watching movies and watching the rain and I love the symmetry. I love how the weather can match my inner emotions and that I can use the excuse of a sad movie to expose my mood.

I’m not exactly a master manipulator who never reveals my feelings; it’s just that I prefer to understand them before I share them… There are about 8 little things I could mention that would account for my dim mood but ultimately I can sum it up in one word: miss. I miss some of the people I’ve shared my life with. Some of them I won’t see again on this side of heaven and some I just won’t see again because our lives have taken separate roads.

As much as I despise this annoying cheerlessness, I also believe it is much needed. For a long time (3years to be exact) I was avoiding these feelings that made me seem less than perfect or rather to be completely honest: I was avoiding all feelings. I actually became one of those people who would listen to a really funny joke and instead of laughing at the punch line, I’d simply just say: “That’s funny”. Thankfully that irritated me enough to actively start doing something to rectify this crazy denial.

I didn’t want to deal with missing those people I cared about in my life, so I found it easier to just pretend they were never really part of my life. Almost to the point where I was starting to wonder if I was even still part of my life. Let me explain what I mean by that. I wouldn’t really care about anything. My only prerequisite for a cup of coffee was that it be warm… I didn’t care if there was sugar in it or if it was black or white or filter or in a large mug or tiny cup. I didn’t care what I looked like or what others said about me and to some extent I’m glad about that but the fact that I stopped caring about what I think of myself and how I see myself was a major concern.

So after I pushed away some of the most important people in my life with my lack of feelings, I realized that to show emotions is human. So if I didn’t show emotions, then I might not be human anymore. My main problem was to un-pause this biological emotion machine and get it back up and running. So I watched this marathon of sad movies and cried until I had no more tears and then I watched a few more and started writing down how I felt after I felt it, not instead of ~ which was what I had been doing for the last few years. And that was only a few months ago but I can honestly say that I can laugh again and I can get angry again and now if you make me a cup of coffee you’d better get a notepad for my instructions.

For me crying doesn’t always represent sadness, it is just a way for me to acknowledge that I have emotions about whatever. I think in this world where we live at lightning speed and deal with multiple situations simultaneously, it is good to just stop and admit that we are still human complete with emotions that mess with our minds. So today I took this lovely rainy weather as a sign that I should check in with my inner self and make sure I don’t deny myself the privilege of being human.

Emotions are just like any of the muscles we have in our body: we need to exercise them or we’ll end up forgetting how to use them. Or even more concerning is the possibility that we’ll forget the people who initially made us feel them.

Just sharing my view,

AM

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