I’m a coward

I was sitting around for most of the day talking to some friends. I call them friends because they know more about me than the people I grew up with…

I can tell you about the number of friends I have on Facebook or Linked or about my follower count on Twitter like it even matters; I can tell you about my best friends in High School and I can tell you about my amazing buddies from college or that group of friends I experimented with on my 21st birthday but if you were to ask me right now where I’d go when it felt like my whole world was coming apart or even if I just needed a hug, I wouldn’t be able to name one person.

I think that’s pretty pathetic, actually I think that makes me a huge coward! In this day and age, I can’t even trust one single person in my life with the most important part of me? How messed up is that? I can’t pin-point the exact date it happened, because I wasn’t always like this. I use to trust. I just remember this series of moments where in I discovered the person I cared about most throughout my life, never even cared enough about me to listen to me and my mother, well let’s just say that I chose to believe the lie rather than believe that she could lie to me. And as it turns out my family has this deep dark secret no one wants to let me in on but I know enough to know that my father wasn’t who he seemed to be… So that pretty much rules out all blood relatives.

As for friends, yeah I have those… I’m not a total recluse but the thing is I know their lives. I know the problems they are facing and honestly don’t want to bother them with whatever pathetic thing seems to be bugging me right now. So here I stand… very uncertain and very scared… My friends are amazing but if I can’t trust my family, I have no hope of trusting my friends so I’m just stuck. Stuck in this place where I keep everything to myself and hope that the feeling will just resolve itself.

You know what the weirdest thing is: I’m writing something that any random stranger with internet can pick up on and even though I’ll never meet anyone who reads this, I’m still too petrified to let it all out. I know I’m just ranting and none of this really has a point, I just thought it would be a good idea for me to document this moment, so ten years from now when I find myself unable to trust my future husband I won’t have the excuse of: “I didn’t see it coming”.

Clearly I’m having a weird day and I’m not even upset about anything, except the fact that I wouldn’t have someone to talk to if I were upset. Whatever, I’m just having a weird day. I’m a coward for not trusting the people in my life, even though I have every reason in the world to trust them.

AM

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