Happy Endings

In case you missed it: I recently moved halfway around the world to be with my perfect guy in Zimbabwe. Most of my family and our friends still think I’m insane and to be honest I’ve wondered about my logic too but then I just say his name and I can’t wipe the smile off my face…

Our relationship is not exactly or even remotely what you’d consider to be normal. We met 6 years ago and I don’t believe in love at first sight but I really don’t know how else to describe it. The amount of intense feelings that developed between two people who logically knew it was never going to be… I wish I could download the memories from my brain onto the computer so you can see what I mean. Our families have known each other for years so when we met at the age of 16/17 it felt incredibly natural. Unfortunately we lived in different countries so it was destined to be just a summer thing but 3 hours after they started driving home, I was literally love sick. It was the worst feeling in the world, wondering if I’d ever see him again… So we talked and decided to give long distance a shot. Back then it actually worked out well because I would have been way too busy for a 24/7 boyfriend anyway. Obviously we were young so about a year later we called it quits and there were no hard feelings.

We kept in touch and went our separate ways and ended up on different continents. It took the premier of The Proposal and an awe inspiring performance by P!nk followed by a few interviews where she, among other things, declared that “Carey [her almost ex-husband] and I can be apart for ten years but if you put us in a room together, someone’s going to end up pregnant”. The second she said that I recalled saying something [slightly more innocent] about JS when we were together and even after we broke up… so I sent him an email… nothing huge just a ‘hi’ and that led to a really long conversation about regrets and love and what if and I made the choice to not have one of those ‘the one that got away because I was afraid to risk it all’ stories… So I walked away from my entire life and walked directly to him. It’s the easiest decision I’ve ever had to make and I will never regret it.

But now I’m here. Now there’s no 8hour Skype conversations or random emoticons we text each other, it’s full on face-to-face. Don’t get me wrong I love it and there really is nothing as amazing as falling asleep in the arms of the man of your dreams but it’s equally terrifying. The problem is that everyone sort of knows our history and our families and the fact that we fell in love so quickly 6 years ago has translated into everyone believing we’re suppose to act like a couple who’s been together for 6 years… We haven’t… in fact the last 3 months has been the longest we’ve ever been in the same country! You can’t just expect to flip a switch from long distance to intimate and have it all fit perfectly…

When you’re forced to communicate through pixels on a computer screen it’s so much easier to talk about your emotions and show affection than when you’re sitting next to each other and instead of typing “I want to hold your hand” or “lay next to you so that I can hear your heartbeat”, you actually have to do it… That’s the hardest thing for me… it’s like all of a sudden I’ve discovered that I’m shy. Like now people are actually looking at us and seeing that we are in love and eventually they will expect us to get married and have kids and all of that and as much as I love him and, in theory at least, the idea of growing old together makes me smile but it’s a bit much for 2 people who’ve technically only been together 3months.

I think the fact that we are both fiercely independent makes it a bit more difficult for us to realize that we don’t have to do everything alone anymore and we can actually just be next to each other enjoying the moment without thinking about where it’s headed… It’s not easy making the transition from two separate lives into one entity… We still have a lot of work to do in our relationship and it would be a bit easier if we weren’t being compared to every other couple but it’s nothing we can’t handle.

To an extent we both have this overwhelming feeling of: “I’m so incredibly lucky to have him/her in my life” and I think that’s great and hope we never lose it but because we see all the amazing things, we’re willing to settle for less and that has the potential for catastrophic consequences. There’s this saying I’ve used a lot: “Love isn’t blind but because it sees more it’s willing to see less” It’s basically the counter answer to “love is blind” but I never stopped to consider that it could be a bad thing to see only the things that make you great together… like those things you’re suppose to bicker about or despise in each other is actually what makes your relationship grow… The things that prevent you from becoming passive in your love life and settling for anything less than the absolute happiness you deserve.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not enough to just love each other for the individuals you are, you still have to work out how to merge your two lives into your own happy ending.

AM

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