Testing Trust

When I was 7 we moved to the other side of the country so for my 8th birthday I didn’t want to invite any of my new school friends. My logic being that back in those days parents invited kids who invited their children to parties, so if I invited those I considered friends, they would feel obligated to invite me and I would have no way of knowing which of them were truly my friends. So I spent the day with one amazing friend who also happened to live behind us. I never doubted that we were friends and will love her for the rest of my life.

Every year for about a week before my birthday I’d turn into a total bitch and to ensure that those who were still around on my birthday must be my real friends. Yeah, I know that’s pretty pathetic and manipulative but I was a weird kid so… When I was about 14 I realized how psychotic this behaviour was and I felt comfortable with the friends I had so I actively tried not to be that way but when I started cracking, I just made sure they knew how insane their friend was. Being the amazing friends they were they just laughed at me and pretended that it was perfectly normal.

The reason I’m mentioning this is because I think we’re all trying to trust. We’re always trying to ensure that we won’t let ourselves down; that the people around us are supportive and if everything goes up in smoke we’ll have someone to rely on. Sometimes we test their trust… sometimes we push them just to make sure that they won’t go anywhere. Well I stopped doing that and I completely believed that every single person in my life were deserving of my love and trust and then 2 of them completely blindsided me and 3years later I’m still trying to recover from the damage they did to me…

But thinking about it now, there is no way I would go back and un-trust them… To be honest I’d still believe them if they told me that they love me; I’d still believe every lie they ever told because once upon a time I saw something pure and amazing in them and if I stop believing in that- even though I can’t see it right now- then I’d be giving up on one of the things that makes me ‘me’. So yeah they messed me up and I still have some serious trust issues but I won’t let their mistakes haunt me for the rest of my life.

I know I deserve more than that and right now I have people in my life who are willing to give me everything I’m worth, I just have to let them… I’m done testing their trust; I’m just going to trust.

Sharing my view,

AM

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