I just got back from a 91 year olds birthday party. It’s amazing that people can actually get that old and still have so much to live for.

His granddaughter from Australia has come over for a month long visit to show off their little 6month old baby. So in this one room we had a man who has lived a really long and full life and on his lap, there sat this little innocent human being who hasn’t even started walking. As little Gabriella was playing and standing up on her grandmother’s lap it reminded me of how happy my grandparents had been every time they got a new grandchild or great-grandchild. It reminded me how those simple moments were the ones that made them smile when they were all alone in their big house with no words left to say to each other. And then my thoughts suddenly went to my dad’s mother…

I’m the only grandchild and that’s the way it’s going to remain: my grandparents only had the 2 sons. My dad died a few years ago and his brother is gay and since he still hasn’t really come out to the family, he’s in no position to adopt a child. So if my grandmother is ever to have that same joy on her face, it will be because I placed my baby in her arms. That’s a strange pressure to discover all of a sudden. I’m not even close to getting married not to even speak of being a 24/7 mother. So my grandmother is going to have quite a while. And that’s where the tears started to well up…

What if I never get to see that joy on my grandmother’s face? I’ve always said [and been told] that I am very lucky for having all 4 my grandparents as long as I did ~ they were all still alive on my 20th birthday. But in the last 3 years 2 have died of cancer and it has hit my families really hard. So occasionally – moments like this- I wonder if it would have been easier to lose them when I was younger, you know before I really realized what they mean to mean or before they became such a huge influence in my life.

I know that’s a terrible thing to even think but on days when missing them really gets to me, I can’t help it. This past week I’ve been super excited about my little cousins birth next week. And then to see that little babies face today as she looks at her great-grandmother and my thoughts automatically go to the fact that Rose will never know our grandmother… Rose will never be able to tell the stories we can and she will never be able to feel that loving hug from a frail grandmother or go for 5am walks on the beach or climb out the mountain or listen to my grandmother explain why every flower is crucial to our being.

I guess I’m just very self involved at the moment and can’t help but wish that my grandparents could have lived forever. I think that is one of the reasons I feel so strongly about this diary I’m making for my cousin: I want to tell her everything I know about our grandmother and share all the wisdom I gained from her. I want Rose to know the love that I had the privilege of having for 20 years.

Loving someone you haven’t met is complicated and making sure they believe that you love them is even harder. I’m not really sure what I just wrote but to me it comes down to loving the people in your life for as long as they are in your life. Go all out and make sure that there is no possible way you could love them any more than you already do. Then make sure you show it in every word and every thought and every little thing you do. Believe me when I say: I love you with all my heart Rose!



1 Comment »

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Anelene Maree, Anelene Maree. Anelene Maree said: Wrote this blog post called Grandchildren a bit earlier I was a bit sad […]

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