Archive for March, 2011

Sheltered Bullying

Today Orange (a UK mobile phone company) launched a Cyber Mentoring On The Move app. It’s a step in the right direction and you should all go check it out! Unfortunately it’s not going to solve the problem over night… there is still a lot of work to be done!

One thing it has done so far today is raise awareness (firstly that there is a problem and secondly that people care and are trying to rectify it) and also sparked some discussion. I just had a nice conversation with @hammyhavoc, @rocketcityrebel and @nurseinsomnia about bullying and how distance learning is a safe alternative. Obviously it sucks that we have to resort to something like that and that good kids are being denied the opportunity to learn in a safe environment with their friends simply because a few wanna-be-big-shots decided that knowledge isn’t interesting enough, they needed to entertain themselves by ruining someone else’s life!

Ok, I’ll leave my ranting discussions on twitter [you’re more than welcome to join in there] and in a more calm and collected manner, tell you about bullying I’ve encountered. It’s not nearly as rough as most of the stories I’ve heard but it still happened and affected my life.

When I was 4 my grandfather taught me like a million rhymes, one of them was “This is my apple, this is my pear, this is my canon-shot and this one really hurts” [it’s translated so it doesn’t rhyme, sorry] and basically you put up your fists every time you mention something. At that age I didn’t fully get what it meant, I just liked the way it sounded. A few months later these 3 boys about a year or so older than me were shoving my friend [9months younger than me] around so obviously I run there from the otherside of the playground and after asking them to back off and apologize [they naturally refused to bend to the will of a 4year old girl] and before I could think, that rhyme came out of my mouth. Now, I have no idea what I would have done after those words were spoken or even if on some level I really did understand it, luckily they scampered off like the roaches they were… and never ever messed with me or any of my friends again.

So we skip ahead a couple of years to when I was 7. We had just moved to the other side of the country, which to me might have been a different planet! Seriously: cultural differences were insane! But none the less I had made several friends in the first few days. Actually two groups of friends. The first being… well… not sheltered at all and come to think of it, they should have scared me. I liked them because they were nothing like me and I could learn a different perspective but one morning my neighbour [whom didn’t really have many friends but I was unaware of it at the time] wanted to hang out with us and these 2 girls refused and called her names and after I laughed at their snobbish arrogance and attempt to convince me to ditch my friend for them, I had way more fun with my neighbour as we pretended we were telepathic. A few days later [still in my first week at this new school] my oldest and dearest friend in the world and I were playing with these two boys and we were mainly just playing tag. However they kept catching my friend because as they pointed out: “she was fat”. For those of you that know me, you will understand that my friends and family is the one thing you are not allowed to hurt or insult! End of story! So when these boys said those little but extremely hurtful things, my mood swapped to defensive and I told them to take it back. The one did because I don’t think he realized what he was really saying the first time around. The other refused and at this point I was willing to turn to my friend and say that they are not worth it but then this little shithead called her fat again. I’ve only ever [intentionally] hit 2 people in my entire life and he was one of them. I’m not really a fan of physical violence but I have to admit it was pretty sweet: I stepped in, took one hit, straight to the face and he fell down like palm tree that’s just been de-rooted. He got up and as he ran away crying with his friend and threatening to tell the principle [think male ego got in his way of following through on it though or maybe the principle was just smart enough not to believe his lies] I turned to my friend and I started crying! I hated violence and I hated the fact that silly people like that still exist and that words could hurt that much. If you’re wondering what happened to him: he took up karate the next week but he never called anyone fat ever again.

My middle school years are sort of a blur, think politics got in the way and girls playing with each other’s lives took precedence. It’s like abuse took on a whole new form, no straight out name calling or fist fights but back handed comments and misunderstandings that lead to 50 girls in tears at an outdoors camp in the middle of nowhere because of one sentence. So let’s just get straight to High School.

First year of High School we expected to get our asses kicked in every shape and form including work load but as it happened our seniors [5years older than us] were pretty awesome! They made sure that no one could touch us except them and even then, they got us to drop the pathetic phase of “I’m better than you” and rebuilt us as a solid unit that had more respect from our entire school than all the other grades put together. This may sound crazy but by the end of the year, most of the teachers saw us as seniors, not juniors because we spent so much time learning from and helping with all of the projects our seniors did. So the next year there was a little issue with people almost failing so they had to put us in classes based on our marks again and this resulted in 130 of the 200 kids in our grade hating our class and the one English class, mainly because the teachers liked us and still saw us as seniors. Combining this with the fact that the actual seniors felt threatened and also hated us, meant we were pretty much on our own. In the beginning it was tough because we couldn’t walk around the school in groups of less than 6 and even then you were taking a risk. We’re not really sure what they would have done to us but put it this way: we literally [as in all 40 of us] would cross the street and walk on the other side to avoid just 5 of anyone else. We could have gone on trying to convince them not to hate us but somehow we managed to turn the focus on our education and push each other and rely on each other and by the time we graduated high school, you really could see the difference in our quality of work compared to theirs. You could see it in the level of activities we took part in compared to the other 130 kids in our grade. You could see our extremely strong bond at every school outing or sports event or even just when we were waiting to go take an exam… I guess what I’m getting at is that bullies suck but if you can find a way to surround yourself with even just a few people who are on your side and like you for the real you, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

Yeah, I know it doesn’t sound that rough but I’m really not in the mood to relive those memories and give you the gory details of my personal haters or how people who didn’t really bother to get to know me had meetings in which they burned photos of me and did weird voodoo doll stuff with cats and whatever. My point is that I have very few memories of the bad things but a zillion of the good ones and if it wasn’t for those small minded people who decided to hate us because of our potential or whatever it is they felt threatened by: I may never have become such good friends with all of these people I still call 5years after high school ended. I may never have been as driven as I am or even as happy to know myself.

Bullying doesn’t suddenly end when you graduate. It just becomes less obvious. Even at work at I had rumours spread about me because I really advanced way too quickly according to everyone else’s measurements but again, them spreading rumours about me and my friends and our managers only brought us closer and our work ethic over ruled anything bad they could ever make up about us. Yeah it hurt and it annoyed us but eventually you just have to laugh at these adults who waste their weekends thinking of ways to bug you, actually I found it sort of flattering.

Like my friend Hammy said earlier: If you have haters or naysayers it just means you’re doing something right! My version of bullying may not be your version of it but at the end of the day, anyone who tries to break you down or makes you feel less than worthy, is a bully! As simple as that! We need to stop this crazy epidemic and take back control of our world! It is NOT too late! We can be the difference. With Projects like Stop Self Hate and Don’t Lose Your Grip it shows that people still care and want to fight not just bullying but its underlining issues.

We [the people who care] hectically outnumber the ones who don’t, we just tend to forget this little fact. Join the fight to Stop Bullying, you don’t have to make some big gesture or try to save the entire world, just start by being nice. Nice to everyone you know and even the ones you don’t… show kindness and trust that it will be showed to you, even if you have to use a little patience.

You are the difference,

AM

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Messed Up

Hi, I’m messed up. In my opinion we all are.

The whole world is upside down and instead of supporting each other, we are breaking each other down; we are judging everyone around us and not settling until they have lost all belief in themselves and their faith in humanity… Sounds like a killer plan! Literally!

With attitudes like these it’s no wonder suicide cases have gone through the roof; depression has become part of everyday life and if someone actually still has the courage to believe in themselves, we call them arrogant. Our system of self loathing is designed so that we are all doomed to fail! But every once in a while someone stands up and overturns the applecart.

Someone whom, without meaning too, ends up changing the world. I find myself in this exact overpass; this moment when change is taking me by the hand and asking me to join in, this change goes by the name Chrisselle. This amazing 19 year old is the heart behind the Don’t Lose Your Grip project. If you haven’t heard about it yet, you really need to check it out! In short a friend of ours, Lacey Crawford died by suicide and we were shook by her death but at the same time we realized that there were many more like her on the edge of losing their grip on life…

Chrisselle didn’t want her death to be in vain and neither do I. So this project is for all those people who have been told by the world that they are not worthy; who’ve been forced to believe that ‘normal’ is wrapped up in the number of your  waistline and that you’ll never be beautiful enough to be loved. So this project is just a way for Chrisselle to fix the world one conversation at a time.

My biggest hope is that this will allow people to talk about things that really matter again, not just the silly superficial stuff. Let’s put focus back on human connection and caring about each other instead of looking for ways to tear each other down. It couldn’t be simpler: just be nice! Look at all the feelings inside and see the true potential. Be the difference; help save a soul…

Sharing my view,

AM

Love Yourself

When was the last time you actually heard your name? I know that’s a weird question but bear with me…

People say my name every day but I think I’ve forgotten to hear it. See, when someone says your name: it’s an expression of how unique and awesome you are. But I guess we keep forgetting that, we tend to try so hard to blend in that we totally forget to be ourselves and stand out. So I’ve been having this relatively long conversation with my 18day old cousin about how special she is to me and how her name is more than just a word. This single word represents all the parts of you, every little bit that you haven’t even discovered yet. So who gives you the right not to feel proud every time it is used?

It’s sort of funny how we take these little things for granted, we as a society have gotten so use to diminishing ourselves or even taking it to the next level by making everyone else feel bad about themselves in order to make us feel better about ourselves too. Wouldn’t it be a lot simpler if we just focused on liking ourselves instead? Just go ahead and look at yourself in the mirror and say: “I like you! You are awesome and you deserve to have all of your dreams come true!” That simple…

And once you’ve mastered that little art, how about sharing it with everyone else by smiling at them. That is what a smile is about isn’t it? About showing how happy and confident you are and telling the person you’re smiling at that they are amazing and bring out that confidence. Next time someone smiles at you, remember that they’re sharing their awesomeness with you and that by smiling back, you’re acknowledging theirs.

We can make being nice to each other really complicated so that we’ll have an excuse for failing but ultimately it really does come down to this: you are awesome and someone using your name is proof of that! Simply smiling at someone is like giving them a million compliments!

Shortest post ever,

AM

Stop Self Hate

As you guys know by now we’ve been pretty focused on Don’t Lose Your Grip and spreading the word about trusting your own self-worth and helping others to find theirs.

The great thing about our Twitter account is all the people we’ve met. The way the world is going it seemed to me like we were the only ones who were this annoyed with the way people were treating each other, as it turns out: we’re not alone!

The responses we’ve been getting has been overwhelming in such a great way and it’s brilliant to see how so many people are willing to be open and honest about all of their problems and sharing their hope and strength not just with us but everyone involved. One of the people I came across recently is Kendra Sebelius. She’s started a movement called ‘Stop Self Hate’. Like ours it’s relatively new but the concept has been around for ages… Basically, being mean to yourself is easy but being nice to yourself takes work. Any of you P!nk underdogs out there will remember Alecia saying the same thing on her Try This tour DVD, as well as with one of her latest songs ‘F***ing Perfect’.

Stop Self Hate is focused on teaching you and me and everyone who’s willing to listen, how to change the voices in their head and well, stop the self hatred we keep holding on to. Simple things we can do every day, it truly makes a difference… The greatest thing I’ve learned over the last 3 weeks of our project is how quickly it spreads: if you can love yourself and be confident and comfortable, you give the people around you permission to be confident and comfortable too. It’s actually quite simple! Which is why I find it laughable that we as the human race didn’t figure this out sooner?

Seriously! How ridiculous is it that we can create all sorts of crazy electronics yet we can’t find the courage to be nice to each other or even ourselves? So I applaud Kendra and every single one of you who are willing to step up and put in the work to be nice to yourself and stop self hate! We are at an incredible impasse and we have this amazing opportunity to change the world back to a place we actually want to live in. Take this opportunity!!! You know I can make it about saving the world or saving your best friend but ultimately it comes down to you. You can’t take responsibility for the entire world, trust me it’ll drive you crazy. However, you can take responsibility for yourself and you can stop self hate and you can allow yourself to be amazing!

So you, yes I really do mean you reading these words somewhere around the world! Do yourself a favour and check out Stop Self Hate and if you’re part of the Twitter universe you owe it to yourself to follow @stopselfhate and @voiceinrecovery.

Just on a side note though: There are some really amazing people in this world and they are doing brilliant things that you and I can be part of. I applaud Chrisselle for her honest vulnerability every single day and find tremendous inspiration in it. I wish all of you could meet her and draw strength from her the way I do…

As always, you know you can reach me on twitter or at @dontloseyourgrip.

Much love,

AM

More than you need to know about me

So while I was away on a little African Safari, twitter was all caught up in #100factsaboutme. Besides the fact that I hate missing out on things [one of the reasons I am not a fan of sleeping] my friend Chrisselle has honestly and with intense vulnerability written down 100 facts about herself, so I figured, I ought to step up and do the same…

Part of me wants to just copy and paste Chrisselle’s list because, excluding 11 facts, we’re pretty much on the same wave length. But I will attempt to find a hundred original facts about myself. Good luck reading this!

  1. I’m an only child
  2. I have brother issues
  3. I’ve always loved being short
  4. My family is my biggest strength and my greatest weakness
  5. My happiest moments involve playing on the grass
  6. Tequila and Vodka are my friends
  7. I don’t like drinking but I can out drink most people and this is mainly due to being part of the hotel industry and partially because as a South African I never backed down from a challenge
  8. I have skeletons in my closet that no one will ever even look for
  9. Yellow is my favourite colour because to me it represents gold and winning
  10. I’m a typical Gemini and wouldn’t have it any other way
  11. I am weary of Virgos, simply because I tend to trust them most and they tend to hurt me most
  12. Since I was 12 I wanted to be a movie director
  13. Reached that particular goal when I was 18
  14. Changed that dream when I turned 19
  15. I never saw getting a drivers licence as ‘freedom’
  16. And that’s probably due to the fact that I never thought I’d reach my 19th birthday, so found it sort of pointless to believe in ‘freedom’ I could only attain when I’m 18
  17. I’m a twitter addict! And I wouldn’t have it any other way
  18. I don’t actually know what my follower counts are but I can tell you what intrigues me about every single person I do follow
  19. I love talking and that is one of the reasons I started my blog, because writing is just another form of expression
  20. I use to drive my photography teacher crazy with my intense interpretations of every image
  21. But that was also the reason I was head-hunted before I graduated high school
  22. I can’t believe how pompous this list is making me sound
  23. Anyone who really knows me, knows I don’t get offended easily but once you manage to offend me, it’ll be tough for you to make it back into my good graces
  24. I’m instinctively protective so be warned that if you target my friends you are guaranteed an enemy in me
  25. I don’t believe in buying love and if you try to buy mine, I’m instantly annoyed
  26. Needles to say I’m not that great at receiving gifts because I question the thought behind them
  27. I guess the same goes for accepting compliments or maybe I’m still just having trouble believing that I deserve all the amazing things going for me
  28. I’m still mad at my mother for a lie she told in 2007 even though I completely understand why she lied
  29. My dad and his brother has far more in common than anyone realizes and I’m the only person to have had the privilege of seeing all the sides there is to them
  30. I dislike feeling vulnerable which is why so many of the things on this list is very superficial
  31. There is nothing more amazing than falling asleep in the arms of someone who loves you
  32. I have an incredibly high threshold for pain but a ridiculously low tolerance for it
  33. Out of my entire body, my favourite thing is my tongue
  34. My least favourite is my hair because I cannot control it but this in return makes me love it too
  35. When I was still living with my mother we use to fight constantly and eventually [after trying every self help tactic with utter failure] I started a mental diary of our fights and came to the conclusion that every fight involved my hair. Either I was doing or washing my hair at the time or we were talking about it or simply just thinking about it.
  36. Telling my mother about this strange conclusion resulted in my hair becoming an off limit topic and magically it really decreased our squabbling
  37. There are only 3 people on this planet who can call me ‘sweetie’ without me responding in a hostile manner… I don’t know why
  38. I despised being called a baby. My mother did it once [granted I was still a baby and only about 13months old] but 20seconds later I through my bottle of mild against the wall and completely shattered it. I haven’t drank milk at night since and my mother hasn’t called me a baby since
  39. I’m running out of things because Chrisselle already wrote 89 of them…
  40. I’ve already had 2 cups of coffee while trying to write this
  41. My three favourite animals are Cheetah’s, Polar-bears and Zebra’s [also the reason I write them with capital letters]
  42. It feels like I’ve written way more than 42 facts about myself
  43. At this moment in time I have 34 unread messages in my inbox on Facebook
  44. My favourite day of the week is Monday, mainly because it buys me time to get everything done before the end of the week
  45. Needles to say, Friday is the most annoying day to me because it just reminds me of how many things I did not make time to do and Sundays were just a nuisance because I was so close to Monday but still stuck on a very unproductive day.
  46. I quit playing netball when I was 12 and told my head master I would only play again if they fired our coach who were swearing at my friends and made than feel less than worthy. They only did it 2 years later. My friends and I swapped to hockey and were much happier.
  47. I’ve never smoked or used any drugs besides doctors prescriptions
  48. I’m actually suppose to take pills for nausea but since I don’t like the loss of control that comes with being on medication my entire life, I’m refusing too
  49. I use to faint at least once a week, now I’m slightly better at pre-empting the strike
  50. The first time I drank coffee was at an outdoors camp when I was 10 and I only took 3 sips
  51. The longest I have been awake continuously without sleep was 86hours
  52. Hour 36 always seems to be the one in which I’m most tired but everyone around me thinks I’m most alert. Go figure.
  53. My biggest pet peeve is when someone leaves the dish towel in the sink
  54. My OCD nature is over ruled by the calming effects of the oceans waves and my grandmothers soothing voice
  55. This fixation is also the reason I appreciate the universal remote!
  56. I couldn’t live without cheese or chocolate no matter how bad it is suppose to be for me
  57. I thrive on stress and find an odd strength in being overwhelmed
  58. I am also the best person to have by your side in a chaotic situation
  59. On the other side of the coin, I am not the person you would ask advice such as: which hair scrunchy goes with these shoes.
  60. I slaughtered my first chicken when I was 4years old
  61. When I had my tonsils removed the only thing I ate [mostly because my mother let me] was salt and vinegar crisps and Vienna sausages
  62. One Christmas my mother forbid my dad to buy me yet another remote control car, so he bought me a Barbie car
  63. Despite the fact that I am 100% tomboy, I was also the president of the Barbie club when I was 5-7
  64. I belonged to more clubs in my lifetime than I can count
  65. I’ll try everything once… I was even a cheerleader for 3 days… then I came to my senses
  66. I wrote a Java programme that shuffled cards when I was 17, might not sound like much but if you understand null-pointer exceptions you’ll appreciate my frustration
  67. To me the coolest thing about London Underground is its potential to fake your own death
  68. If something happened to my laptop, I really really would cry!
  69. There are only a hand full of people I would allow to operate or even touch my cameras
  70. I had a 10 year feud with a women 15 years older than me because I felt that she stole my uncle by marrying him
  71. Many years, lots of conversations, several snakes and three cousins later, she is on my list of 5 women I couldn’t live without
  72. I’ve always loved Haley Joel Osment and despite working with Spielberg twice before his 10th birthday, my favourite of his films are still Pay It Forward and its amazing message.
  73. When we played Power Rangers I always fought the boys to be red ranger. [original power rangers, not the new stuff]
  74. My favourite glass in our house was made out of plastic and had palm trees on and we got them at an aviation show when I was about 4… a lot happened that year but standing there with my dad and seeing how proud he was of his country and air force made me love him even more
  75. I attribute a lot of my values to movies I watched when I was younger
  76. I still live my life by 4 rules I made on the playground before I could even write my own name
  77. On my mother’s side of the family, we are 14 grandchildren [oldest already has 2 kids and the youngest was born less than a month ago] and on my dad’s side, I am the only grandchild
  78. I absolutely hate cancer and since 3 different types run in my family I am at incredibly high risk
  79. I am not afraid of dying but I am afraid of not finishing
  80. If I sleep more than 4 hours, I get incredible headaches and my eyes burn like I’ve been playing computer games all night
  81. I do believe in premonitions [or whatever you want to call them]. Mainly because dá jè vú is not a big enough word
  82. I have literally watched Mulan more than 146 times… in one summer!
  83. I have squatted in an abandoned building with other artists, mainly because of the intriguing image James Cameron and Jessica Alba created in Dark Angel
  84. I also made out with a French lesbian at a 60’s style Country Night…. Long story that I still have trouble not laughing about
  85. I have lied to protect someone I love very much and even though I will not take back the lie, I hate that it makes me a hypocrite
  86. 86.   My favourite quote is: Imagination is worth more than knowledge for imagination is what you do with knowledge
  87. 87.   I whole heartedly believe that it is still possible for us to achieve world peace… it’s just going to take a lot of work but I’m up for it!
  88. 88.   I’m not sure I believe in love at first sight however I have loved the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with since I met him
  89. 89.   I’m not one of those people who love loads of music artists; I simply just love music as a whole. However, Alecia Beth Moore [aka P!nk] is one artist I truly admire as a person as a whole and will proudly call myself an Underdog for
  90. 90.   Really excited that I finally made it to the last leg of this list
  91. 91.   I once called my manager/ friend at work on a Saturday morning; hung up just as she answered; called again and in all my slobbery crying glory asked her for advice on dealing with my mother and her boyfriend. Her response: say what you have to then say you have got to go and just hang up. As simple as it sounds, that answer really did save my life
  92. 92.   When my grandmother was first diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I chased all of my aunts out of the house for fighting. To the extent where they were sitting on the lawn across the street, not even daring to enter my grandparents’ yard. I am still pretty chuffed about this
  93. 93.   I know things about my friends that they will only discover themselves in a few years
  94. 94.   I always wanted to live in a castle with secret passages, mainly so I can rollerblade indoors
  95. 95.   I have never bought clothes I could not climb a tree in
  96. 96.   If my pillow falls off the bed, I will be awake before it hits the floor… I’m normal that way
  97. 97.   Even though my friends are awesome, I still occasionally have trouble remembering that I can trust them
  98. 98.   I’m out spoken and I have no problem backing up every word that comes out of my mouth and as a consequence I get pretty annoyed when someone walks away from a fight
  99. 99.   I love building things and pretending to be an engineer with my brilliant grandfather

And last but certainly not least:

  1. 100.                        I love my life!

 

So, now you know a few more things about me… probably more than you wanted to. But it would be even better if you took the time to ask me directly about these or any other things you may have heard about me. You can always get me on twitter at @am_mf or recently on @dontloseurgrip [the amazing charity event @iwrestledahammy created to change the world].

As long as it took me to write this incredibly boring post, I can’t help but laugh at the fact that you actually had to read it.

Thank you,

AM

Pieces That Don’t Fit

This is the last of our ‘By the fire’ ramblings I’ll be posting. We all feel like the world crumbles down around us but when you spend some time with true friends, you’re reminded how brilliant life is despite all the confusion.

*****

I need a moment … just one moment

To reflect on me. To cut through the bullshit.

And see my face. Person staring back at me is a phantom

Never saw those dark eyes before

Where did they come from? What did I dissolve into?

 

Tossing and turning, dreams that just won’t stop

Decoding my emotions, why are there no instructions?

If I could only wake up to see the dawn

Everything I overheard, just pieces that don’t fit

 

I need a moment… just one moment

To reflect on me. To cut through the bullshit.

And see my face. Person staring back at me is a phantom

Never saw those dark eyes before

Where did I come from? What am I dissolving into?

 

Ducking under the covers, burry my head in a corner

Wishing I could remember or at least forget.

Stuck in limbo, fighting with my pillow

Touching on the truth but not quite there, yet

 

I need a moment … just one moment

To reflect on me. To cut through the bullshit.

And see my face. Person staring back at me is a phantom

Never saw those dark eyes before

How long will they stay with me? What will I dissolve into?

 

Kicking off the duvet, borrow my teddy’s courage

Don’t know anymore than yesterday. I’m still me

Maybe it doesn’t matter, coz I can’t let it. I won’t let it

It’s the smell of success that trumps the stench of doubt

 

I’ll take a moment… just one moment

To reflect on me. To cut through the bullshit. (Be honest)

And see my face. Person staring back at me is just me

Never saw through those deep eyes before

When did I become so tall? Let the puzzle dissolve too

 

It’s the pieces that don’t fit

That makes life worth the effort….

It’s worth the effort…

I’m worth the effort

*****

Thank you guys for sharing this weekend with me. The lack of sleep was totally worth it! You’re the best!

Keep the faith

Obviously being friends means that we’re constantly giving each other advice. This little thing is about how that advice isn’t always easy to accept or take, no matter how well you intend it.

*****

We all have choices

But I fail to see the truth in that phrase

In moments like these everyone spews

They give their two cents and a little bit more

Telling us about the greater plan

‘Keep faith’ ‘All will be revealed’

 

What if I fail miserably?

What if I’m just not strong enough?

What if I let you down?

Shouldn’t living be simple?

Shouldn’t life be grand?

 

We all have choices

It’s such an empty phrase

Right now I fear my choice has been made

You say you understand but you really can’t

Stop playing wise-men; I’m not listening when you say

‘Keep faith’ ‘All will be revealed’

 

What if I just don’t want to?

What if everything will be different?

What if I turn my back on you?

Shouldn’t living have more options?

Shouldn’t life be sacred?

 

We all have choices

I question the truth in that phrase

Today I see their expressed sorrows

Their offer to help is like a slap in the face

Wanting to fix it all by myself

‘Keep faith’ ‘All will be revealed’

 

What if I can’t do it?

What if I want to run instead?

What if I let you down?

Shouldn’t things be clearer?

Shouldn’t life make sense?

 

We all have choices

Analyzing the truth in that phrase

In the hardest of times we need to come together

Don’t need to talk in proverbs

Just be there and share the prayers

‘Keep faith’ ‘All will be revealed’

 

Maybe it takes a little longer

Maybe my plans have to change

Maybe you know better

Maybe living is enough

Maybe life gets better

 

We all have choices

Remembering the truth in that phrase

My true strength comes out today

All of you did your part to get me here

Thank you for being stronger

‘Keep faith’ ‘All will be revealed’

 

So what if I fail

So what if it’s different

So what as long as you love me

So what if things could be clearer

So what! Coz life will get better

*****

Still

A few of my friends and I had a girls-night that turned into a girls weekend and even though we had loads of fun, we also took time to reflect on recent events and somewhere around 2am, just sitting outside by the fire, we wrote down a few things. This is one of them…

*****

Not in the mood to really talk about it

Just wanna lie here and die

Torn into a million pieces

How long can I still cry?

 

You let me go and I’m still falling

Still in silence; lying still

Still still; so still

 

Never noticed the noise in the distance

Draw the curtains, just to see the wall

Inside my castle, rather a dungeon

Embraced by darkness

 

You let me go and I’m still falling

Still in silence; lying still

Still still; so still

 

All this anger, totally wasted

Hugging my pillow, looking for warmth

Alone on my island of feathers and springs

Can you see my SOS?

 

You let me go and I’m still falling

Still in silence; lying still

Still still; so still

 

Touching the ceiling I can’t break through

The height is hasty my teddies will catch me

Plummet to the earth as it shock me

Time to wake up and face the world

 

You let me go and I’m still falling

Still in silence; lying still

Still still; so still

 

Whisper through the silence and scream through the darkness…

*****

Writing Withdrawal

My posts have been a bit off lately and I’m not entirely sure that any of you would have noticed but I noticed…

So let me explain my strange writing withdrawal: basically I’m terrified to write anything political, I’m almost afraid to have an opinion about politics. It’s easy to say do this or do that if you’re sitting on the other side of the world but if you’re actually here where you don’t have any rights or any form of protection, it’s different. I don’t really care about my own wellbeing because I have always been willing to stand up for my believes and views but it’s my family and the people I care about that I’m concerned for. Two weeks ago the man I love were almost kidnapped.

Not the ‘we hold you for ransom’ kind of kidnap, the ‘if you don’t do what we say we’ll cut off your arm or kill you’ kind of kidnap. He was just at work minding his own business when two 6ton army trucks drove up to their building and started storming it forcing people to get onto the trucks and by the way when I say force I do mean with AK47’s. Luckily he managed to duck under the radar and get out of there but it still scared the crap out of me! So my political opinions have been made clear and until something of great importance happens, I’m sticking by them and remaining quiet.

So why didn’t I write about the personal stuff? Well basically because it’s complicated! I love this man so much but occasionally we drive each other crazy and we’re still trying to figure out how to merge our two very independent lives. Then there are my new friends who all deserve their privacy so I’m not really comfortable telling random strangers about it. As for my family: well we got a new addition but other than that, I’m letting my family fight their own battles and basically trying to stay out of silly family squabbles.

However, my mother and I are making progress and I’m really glad that I’m at a place where I can finally be her friend. But even this is complicated and I need to learn to talk directly to her instead of to the World Wide Web first.

Then there’s the matter of all of you and all of my friends on Twitter. A few of us have been working on this really important project that’s going to turn into something huge but the last few days it’s like we’ve been focusing on the project more than each other, which by definition sort of defeats the concept of the project. Basically we are so caught up in making sure others are ok and this project is going well that we’ve started pretending to be fine even when we are not.

We were so good at being open and vulnerable with each other and that is how we helped each other through the tough times. But now we seem to have people looking at us and expecting us to have answers and somehow that has forced us to pull back and hide from the honesty on which this project was based in the first place. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss talking to these friends of mine and I miss having them confide in me and have us all break down in tears over one 140 character tweet. So Chrisselle and Diane, talk to me… I miss knowing all the details and all the fights and all the randomness of your day. Please don’t think that you have to always be happy or have a zillion right answers to make you perfect. You are already perfect in my eyes because of your honesty, don’t forget that.

I didn’t mean to shut all of you out during my last few posts and couple hundred tweets, I guess I just forgot that I trusted you and that you accept me for every part of me no matter how crazy I am at times. But I’m back.

So thank you,

AM

I belong

Ever had one of those days where you wake up and just feel so uncomfortable in your own skin? Well I’ve had a lot of those days in my 23 years but lately I haven’t even had those thoughts during the times I was sad or gloomy.

I truly belong here. I am exactly where I need to be and where I want to be and I am happy. That may sound like a cliché of a half baked thought but when was the last time you could actually say that? When was the last time, you felt so comfortable and confident in your beliefs that the rest of the world just seemed to make sense? You know that one moment when everything bad that has ever happened to you, fades in comparison to your current happiness…

But as I sit here in my happy little bubble, I can’t help but see the people around me who are still struggling to realize they are amazing and they are worthy of everything good! Even my little baby cousin has to grow up in this world that is designed to tear us apart and make us doubt who we are. I’m not going to pretend that I believe this happiness is going to last forever or that I will never feel down but see: I have hope. I hope that it will last. I hope that if it doesn’t I’ll still remember this feeling and know that I got here once and I can do it again… So you, wherever in this messed up world of ours you find yourself right now: you deserve to be happy! You are worthy of this amazing feeling that I want to share with you.

Believe me when I say that every pain we go through and every overwhelming moment that seems like it’ll destroy us leads to happiness, you just have to look up once in a while and focus on the beauty rather than all of the darkness. “You can’t have a light without a dark to stick it in” ~ Arlo Guthrie. It really is quite profound: if you don’t have those terrible and depressing moments, you won’t be able to appreciate the happy moments when they come along.

The greatest thing about living is that we get to experience such a vast variety of emotions and thoughts and random moments, no matter how challenging the day gets it is precisely those moments that make us human and show us our true strength. So I want to extend a huge virtual hug to every single one of you! It does get better! Life is worth living! And happiness is worth fighting for!

AM

 By now most of you know I’m involved with Chrisselle’s project Don’t Lose Your Grip and I strongly urge all of you to get involved to.

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