I hate this month

I seem to have already made up my mind that the next month is pretty much going to suck…

Now like any good irrational emotion, it is deeply rooted in some form of logic. Based on past experience and just the natural order of holidays during this time of the year, in my mind it is clear that I will not make it through this month without shedding a few tears. So I guess I better tell you why all I can see in the near future is gloom.

Well firstly, I’m turning a quarter of a century! That’s pretty crazy and I still feel like a little insecure 14 year old. So yeah, I’m going through all the normal ‘what have I done with my life’ stuff but with the added Gemini twist I have become known for. See, just before my 8th birthday we moved to the other side of the country and back then there was still a sort of unwritten etiquette rule that if you invited someone to your party they had to invite you to theirs. So in my 7 year old wisdom I decided that I wanted to test my new ‘friends’ and see how many of them would qualify me as their friend by inviting me to their birthday by not inviting anyone to my birthday… I tried to convince my mother to skip my birthday all together but she thought that was a bit morbid so they eventually convinced me to invite one of my all time favourite friends who lived next door and we had fun unwrapping all of my insanely-way-too-expensive-parents-trying-to-compensate presents. I know the whole thing is twisted and sort of mean but apparently I’ve been doing the same thing ever since just more subtly. My best friend pointed it out when we were about to turn 14 and I was being sort of mean to her and she just laughed and hugged me while saying “you turn into a jerk the week before your birthday”. In the 9 years since then I’ve tried to be aware of it and hence not try to push the people in my life away to see who cares enough to stick around through the abuse but I can’t promise anything for this year… So I sort of see myself ending up alone and crying on my bed on my birthday…  Assuming I’ll have friends left after I turn 25, I dislike parties a bit too so I’d much rather have a movie night with pizza than a big bash…

And then just over a week after my Birthday we have father’s day. And this should be a really happy day – well at least I think it should but I suddenly discovered today that I cannot actually bring myself to remember any of the father’s days I have celebrated. My dad died some years ago and it sucks when you miss someone so much and can’t really express or share that love with them. And everyone around you is so happy and you don’t want to ruin it for them by being sad so you fake a smile all day or hide out in your room. I still remember that first father’s day without my dad. I sent the entire night before watching Alias on DVD with my cousins and Aunt for as long as they would stay awake and when they faded I still sat there trying to stay distracted by the brilliance of JJ Abrams but with no real avail as the thought of facing the next day without my dad was too daunting. I love my dad and at that point in time I was truly afraid that if I went to sleep I wouldn’t want to wake up knowing that I couldn’t share that special day with my dad… Every year – no matter how hard I try- that feeling comes back and it’s like I have made no progress at all over the last 6 years. I don’t love him any less; don’t miss him any less; don’t wish that I could have just one more conversation with him any less; I still want to make sure he knows how much I trusted him and I still want to make him proud… whatever that means…

So yeah this time of year sucks a lot. And just before all of these things I’ve been envisioning in my head play out there is one more hurdle to overcome: 25 May aka the day my dad died. Very vivid day at the end of the a really long 2 weeks mainly spent in a hospital waiting room… and the 29th which was the day of my dad’s funeral… yip… just two little days before my 19th Birthday.

So years of experience told me that this month is going to suck… But it hasn’t sucked yet, it hasn’t been torture yet and I get to fix it or at least try to see the positive or even just get through it without… well just survive and get through the day to day stuff. In the mean time I’m just going to sit here and plan my birthday with soppy movies; cheesy food; pillows and warm blankets while flipping through old photos I can’t even remember taking…

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