Get me through today

Spent yesterday sitting around a table drinking and eating and chatting with friends…

This might not really sound interesting to any of you but for me it’s a big deal! I use to like going out and hanging out and just being out. But slowly it’s become harder for me to do these normal things. It’s effort for me to sit there and just relax; it’s like I’m always on edge; expecting something bad to happen or like whatever I’m doing is not enough and if I take my eye off the ball for a second my whole world will fall apart…

But yesterday was different. I actually had fun. I laughed out loud in public! And I wasn’t surrounded by the usual 4people who have become my social safety net. I was sitting there alone with people I haven’t seen in months and people who knew all about me even though I barely knew a thing about them; people who were judging me and expecting things from me and I didn’t mind it. In fact, I enjoyed the attention. It was really amazing!

It started with a very normal coffee and shopping for lunch for 30people followed by a slow drive out to the dam. Headed to the kitchen to cut some onions and wash some potatoes. Standing by the fire with a beer in one hand and sunglasses in the other. Just chatting and hanging out… Something I have not had the guts to do in a really long time. We talked all day, ate some food, had a few more drinks and talked some more. Here’s the thing though: even though I drank way past my capacity, I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t want to be… I could actually handle the social anxiety without a vice.

And you know what the best part was: waking up this morning. Waking up and not regretting it! Waking up and smiling because I remember the fun we had yesterday. Waking up and feeling revitalized because I made the most out of yesterday. Waking up and having hope that today could be filled with the same kind of… fun. Waking up and knowing that I can be happy.

Yesterday allowed me to get through today… I need to have more days like yesterday.

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