Archive for October, 2012

Shop For The Cause, Breast Cancer Awareness

D it!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and this is close to my heart for two primary reasons, (1) my good friend/former coworker and (2) my husband.

One of the kindest and most generous persons I know is my friend, M, who is a breast cancer survival.She is a loving mother and the one person who often gave me support whenever I had a bad work day. Is anyone special to you a breast cancer survival?

And then there’s my husband. Aside from being a dedicated daddy and a caring/loving husband, he is also extremely PASSIONATE about his work (I RARELY mention about his career but deemed this post fairly appropriate). A clinical & research physician and a Harvard Medical School faculty, he specializes in the cancer field. To be more specific, he diagnoses the different types of cancer through gene sequencing (on a molecular level) and helps come…

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Good read

One bite away

I have a medical excuse not to exercise and I have a medical excuse not eat. It would be easy for me to go back to not eating: no pain, no nausea, no internal fight with me… But I can’t do it. I know it is bad for me not to eat and I know I can’t put those who care about me through it.

Besides I know if I stop eating for 3days, it will take me 3months to get back to eating 3 meals a day and 6 more to get back to the much healthier option of 6 meals a day. It’s not worth it. Why would not eating cause that much chaos? Well, that’s simple: I have Gilbert Syndrome and basically it comes down to my liver not being able to do all it is suppose to, resulting in a constant state of nausea and generally a lot of pain too. There are pills I could take but I’d have to take them forever and that is not an option I’m willing to consider. The bodies of 92% of the world’s population sees food as a nutrient but my body sees food as toxins it needs to get rid of. So for me the rest of the 8%of the population, eating is not exactly a fun past time.

When your body knows that everything that goes into it will make it feel ill, your body starts saying “don’t do it! Don’t bring that stuff near me! Stop poisoning me, just stop eating” and over time it gets harder for your mind to fight this logic. When you feel like crap all the time, it is hard for your mind to argue with the logic of your body. It takes a lot for me to eat even just one bite. And I think one of the most painful things about that fact is that most of the people around me will never be able to tell… I have a very strong hold over my gag reflex. I can control it and prevent it from throwing out the food I try to eat but all it takes is one moment where the pain and discomfort over rules the logic and my body overpowers my mind and I… well, you know. It’s sort of scary knowing that you are only one gag reflex away from involuntary Bulimia. And when you have to fight this hard just to get through a plate of food and you’d rather just stop it all together, that’s when you realize just how close you are to Anorexia. And these 2 diagnoses are both daunting. They are scary and overwhelming and when you don’t really suffer from either and the fear of almost suffering from either is not enough to get you treatment, it makes it harder to stay strong.

So here I am, stuck with a non specific eating disorder… every bite a victory lap and simultaneously a painful reminder that my body and mind have to keep fighting a daily battle just to keep up the pretence that I am normal and that everything is ok. So when some random walks up to me and says “Oh, yeah you are getting fat” it takes all of my strength and patience not to blow up at their ignorance.

As much as I hate GS and the whole over-thinking-everything-I-eat-thing, it also affords me an understanding that most people will never have. A sort of compassion and empathy because I know there must be others like me out there… And in some way that makes up for some of the discomfort and confusion. I wouldn’t want to be anyone other than me.

Just sharing my view…


We all have these moments in life that define us. Usually it takes us years to realize that they took place and sometimes we regret it and other times we appreciate it. I think I had one of those this weekend…

I can’t really explain it, it was just a series of events that all felt like da je vu and even though there was a lot of confusion and even shock over my actions, I still felt quite proud of my decision. It may come back to haunt me in 20years but for the moment: I am happy with my choice.

All of us spend so much time trying to fit into our rolls or the characters that we have created for ourselves. Sometimes we get lost in the game of theatre that we refer to as living. And in this game, we tend to forget that we can write our own script; we forget that whatever we do has real consiquences but ultimately those consiquences do not compare with the lie of not living our lives fully because of our fear of being critigued…

So, this weekend I took a step – on and off the stage – that I MIGHT look back at and regret in 20 years but until that moment I’m proud of my choices. I did not do it to shock anyone, except maybe shock myself out of this fake version of myself that I have become. I simply did it because it felt right and it made sense at the time. I think I need to take more risks on a daily bases and stop pretending that I am not me… Or maybe just spend a little more time being honest with myself and building up the courage to share that honest part of me with the rest of the world.

As always: just sharing my view and thanking you for reading it