One bite away

I have a medical excuse not to exercise and I have a medical excuse not eat. It would be easy for me to go back to not eating: no pain, no nausea, no internal fight with me… But I can’t do it. I know it is bad for me not to eat and I know I can’t put those who care about me through it.

Besides I know if I stop eating for 3days, it will take me 3months to get back to eating 3 meals a day and 6 more to get back to the much healthier option of 6 meals a day. It’s not worth it. Why would not eating cause that much chaos? Well, that’s simple: I have Gilbert Syndrome and basically it comes down to my liver not being able to do all it is suppose to, resulting in a constant state of nausea and generally a lot of pain too. There are pills I could take but I’d have to take them forever and that is not an option I’m willing to consider. The bodies of 92% of the world’s population sees food as a nutrient but my body sees food as toxins it needs to get rid of. So for me the rest of the 8%of the population, eating is not exactly a fun past time.

When your body knows that everything that goes into it will make it feel ill, your body starts saying “don’t do it! Don’t bring that stuff near me! Stop poisoning me, just stop eating” and over time it gets harder for your mind to fight this logic. When you feel like crap all the time, it is hard for your mind to argue with the logic of your body. It takes a lot for me to eat even just one bite. And I think one of the most painful things about that fact is that most of the people around me will never be able to tell… I have a very strong hold over my gag reflex. I can control it and prevent it from throwing out the food I try to eat but all it takes is one moment where the pain and discomfort over rules the logic and my body overpowers my mind and I… well, you know. It’s sort of scary knowing that you are only one gag reflex away from involuntary Bulimia. And when you have to fight this hard just to get through a plate of food and you’d rather just stop it all together, that’s when you realize just how close you are to Anorexia. And these 2 diagnoses are both daunting. They are scary and overwhelming and when you don’t really suffer from either and the fear of almost suffering from either is not enough to get you treatment, it makes it harder to stay strong.

So here I am, stuck with a non specific eating disorder… every bite a victory lap and simultaneously a painful reminder that my body and mind have to keep fighting a daily battle just to keep up the pretence that I am normal and that everything is ok. So when some random walks up to me and says “Oh, yeah you are getting fat” it takes all of my strength and patience not to blow up at their ignorance.

As much as I hate GS and the whole over-thinking-everything-I-eat-thing, it also affords me an understanding that most people will never have. A sort of compassion and empathy because I know there must be others like me out there… And in some way that makes up for some of the discomfort and confusion. I wouldn’t want to be anyone other than me.

Just sharing my view…

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