It Should Get Easier

So last week I was rather positive regardless of the circumstances but today I started to feel the positivity fade drastically. It’s like one second it’s all awesome and sunshine and roses and the next it’s all doom and gloom.

So today I was trying to cling to the last bit of positive energy I had left and 15min to 5 it left… it’s amazing how much can go wrong in just 8hours and it’s amazing how complicated things can get in that time. It should get easier shouldn’t it? It’s not like I’m a rocket scientist or a surgeon who has life or death pressure on their shoulders every day. I have a normal job and a year and a half after I starting it, I still feel overwhelmed every day; I still feel incompetent and I still feel like I am a failure. The obvious answer is to quit and get out because clearly it is not healthy for me but the sad truth is that no one here can do my job either… I can’t let the people I work with down by not doing my best but at the same time I… I’m just lost… I guess today was a tough one and I want to believe that tomorrow will be better and that I won’t feel this bad or at least that I will feel better about myself… but by now I know myself well enough to know that the only way that will happen is if I make it so.

I have to choose positive to band I have to fight to not let the negativity overwhelm me. After all of these years of dealing with depression, it should get easier right? Well, I guess in the most respects it has – it’s easier to see it coming; I know that it doesn’t last forever; I have ways of getting through the negative moment and I have learned to make sure that I fully appreciate the good times but sometimes I just wish that I could have an easy day…

While I take my lavender bath and drink my camomile tea and listen to the amazing P!nk, I’m going to take a few deep breaths and try to change these voices in my head – you know, and make them like me instead…

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