Posts Tagged ‘Cousin’

Closing this chapter

It is no secret that I have some serious Virgo issues. The people I trust the most tend to be born under this sign and as a result they have more power to hurt me than anyone else. Maybe this is because my mother is a Virgo or maybe there really is an astrological explanation for it but right now I just want to close the chapter on one of them, just be sure that they’re not in my head any more so this post is a bit different and a bit more personal. It’s ‘because of you’ letter to my cousin.

Because of you my eyebrows annoy me when they are wet.

Because of your fearlessness of horses I am terrified of them.

Because of your incessant planning that rarely lead anywhere, I prefer being spontaneous and leaving things to the last minute.

Because of you I never did anything stupid like get involved with Satanism or skinning a cat.

Because of you I have never/ will never try drugs.

Because of you I prefer a group of friends rather than dating my entire high school.

Because of you I can’t sit underneath Oupa’s tree without crying.

Because of you I hate wearing hats.

Because of you and that moment when I was 3, I can’t show anyone the middle finger.

Because of you I hate origami.

Because of you I can multitask like crazy.

Because of you I think in English and not my first language.

Because of you I have friends I’ll never see again.

Because of you I can’t eat chocolate éclairs that I haven’t made myself.

Because of you I can’t drink out of a blue cup.

Because of you I spent a lot of years being really, really confused.

Because of you I am empathetic but unlike you I do it because I care not because I’m too scared of being honest with them.

Because of you I stopped caring.

Because of you I believed that I was worthless.

Because of you I doubted my choices.

Because of you there is no one I can talk to about my dad.

Because of you I don’t add family on Facebook anymore.

Because of you my life was paused for way too long.

Because of you I have trust issues.

Because of you I am not a fan of Easter.

Because of you I dislike both Gareth Gates and Will Young.

Because of you I still prefer Motorola above Nokia.

Because of you I have shoes in my closet I never wear.

Because of you I have to rebuild 19 years of confidence.

Because of you I have to find the person I once was but am afraid I might not like her.

Because of you I have a lot of work to do.

Because of you everything I say is being second guessed… by me!

Because of you I’m not sure how many of my choices were truly mine of based on a reaction to your choices.

Because of you I have cried myself asleep.

Because of time I am ready to move on and pretend that everything you said and everything you didn’t do hasn’t destroyed my. I’m willing to close this chapter in my life and if you want to still be part of my life, you are going to have to put in the work because every grain of credit you use to have has been made null in void.

That is all,

AM

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Stuck in the aftermath

I’m having a weird day of missing my cousin and hating her at the same time… That’s actually a pretty big deal, since I don’t hate~ it wastes way too much energy! And we use to be great together… Anyway, this is just how I feel about the person I use to respect more than anything else in the entire world.

Stuck in the aftermath:

*****

Flipping through old images of us

I forgot how beautiful you are

Blame the ugliness between us

Maybe it’s time to heal this scar

 

Said some things I’m sure I meant

Don’t remember the exact event

Would apologize if I had the guts

But I might just act even more nuts

So instead we’re stuck in the aftermath

Love turned into a wordy blood bath

 

Whatever it is you said hit a bull’s-eye

Wanted to shove you down the stairs

Wished I could just give up and say die

Maybe you were testing who cares

 

Said some things I’m sure I meant

Don’t remember the exact event

Would apologize if I had the guts

But I might just act even more nuts

So instead we’re stuck in the aftermath

Love turned into a wordy blood bath

 

I’d love to hug you and talk again

Just can’t seem to remember why

Why it was fun walking in the rain?

Maybe it was our way to say goodbye

 

Said some things I’m sure I meant

Don’t remember the exact event

Would apologize if I had the guts

But I might just act even more nuts

So instead we’re stuck in the aftermath

Love turned into a wordy blood bath

 

Our passion was just too intense

I’m sure we use to be friends

It just doesn’t make any sense

Maybe this was the way it ends

 

Said some things I’m sure I meant

Don’t remember the exact event

Would apologize if I had the guts

But I might just act even more nuts

So instead we’re stuck in the aftermath

Love turned into a wordy blood bath

 

Should I forgive and forget you?

Do you even think about me at all?

Will you apologize as courtesy too?

Maybe I’m not ready for this wall to fall

*****

AM

Moving Forward

I’m having a weird day of missing my cousin and hating her at the same time… That’s actually a pretty big deal, since I don’t hate~ it wastes way too much energy! And we use to be great together… Anyway, this is just how I feel about the person I use to respect more than anything else in the entire world.


 


Stuck in the aftermath:


*****


Flipping through old images of us


I forgot how beautiful you are


Blame the ugliness between us


Maybe it’s time to heal this scar


 


Said some things I’m sure I meant


Don’t remember the exact event


Would apologize if I had the guts


But I might just act even more nuts


So instead we’re stuck in the aftermath


Love turned into a wordy blood bath


 


Whatever it is you said hit a bull’s-eye


Wanted to shove you down the stairs


Wished I could just give up and say die


Maybe you were testing who cares


 


Said some things I’m sure I meant


Don’t remember the exact event


Would apologize if I had the guts


But I might just act even more nuts


So instead we’re stuck in the aftermath


Love turned into a wordy blood bath


 


I’d love to hug you and talk again


Just can’t seem to remember why


Why it was fun walking in the rain?


Maybe it was our way to say goodbye


 


Said some things I’m sure I meant


Don’t remember the exact event


Would apologize if I had the guts


But I might just act even more nuts


So instead we’re stuck in the aftermath


Love turned into a wordy blood bath


 


Our passion was just too intense


I’m sure we use to be friends


It just doesn’t make any sense


Maybe this was the way it ends


 


Said some things I’m sure I meant


Don’t remember the exact event


Would apologize if I had the guts


But I might just act even more nuts


So instead we’re stuck in the aftermath


Love turned into a wordy blood bath


 


Should I forgive and forget you?


Do you even think about me at all?


Will you apologize as courtesy too?


Maybe I’m not ready for this wall to fall


*****


AM