Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

Post #1

I use to write a lot. I guess that’s the worst part of depression (at least for me), no longer enjoying the things that use to make you happy. Not even wanting to try doing them anymore… Someone reminded me yesterday that I have the power – at the very least in my good days – to do the things I use to love. To make those things that I ‘use to do’ things I still do.

So here I am: a former writer who no longer knows if she can actually put a fully processed thought on paper any more… but I want to try! Like someone who has been on sabbatical or stuck with writers-block for years, I awkwardly spit out these words that might give me a glimpse into the inner workings of my mind… or maybe just a string of ramblings that will only make sense to me years from now… Who knows? What I do know is that I love words! I love the way my mind works, well most of the time that is. And if I could have one more opportunity to share my view with whoever is willing to listen or even just with that part of me that doesn’t always understand the rest of me, then I know it will be worth giving this a shot again.

So much has happened and yet nothing has changed. I still believe in the same 4 rules I made up for life when I was 5 years old and I still have all of the same experiences and thoughts of grandeur that will either lead me to tell my grandchildren a lot of almost-maybe-elaborated-stories or leave them with a legacy that they can be proud of. In the meantime, I just want to get back to a place where I am not afraid of what people think of me. Somewhere where I accept myself despite all of my many flaws and fears. Just a little corner in my mind that is free from the shadows that I use to keep others at bay….

So, for all intensive purposes, this is post number 1. And I’m sharing my view, feel free to share yours in the comments too.

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Paralyzed by fear

Finding fear in every thought… being worried about every catastrophe and concerned about every outcome… worrying about things that others hardly notice… It’s a little something known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

For the last 2 days I have been stressed out over asking my friend for a phone number of one of the guys who work for him. I just had to ask him one simple question that logically he would have no reason to say ‘no’ to so that I can call the number and ask his worker a question…. Sounds simple enough, right? But I couldn’t bring myself to do it! It it wasn’t for the fact that the guy happened to drive into our yard this morning, I’d probably still be experiencing shortness of breath and would have been able to look forward to another sleepless night…

So what is GAD? Well these guys can put it a lot better (or at least in a lot more words) than I can NIMH and my favorite Help Guide and just for good measure Wikipedia… You can also checkout what our followers thought about it on twitter via #TopicsToDiscuss

I’d rather remind you that as much as anxiety sucks and as much as the fear torments us, we are not alone… You are not the only one! And as long as we have the courage to talk about it, someone will be willing to listen. As long as we remember to fight through the fear and find the calm, there will be support and understanding.

You can set up your own ‘calm plan’ Something that lists all of the things you like to do and all of the things that remove the fear from your thoughts. Make sure this plan is accessible to you at all times because sometimes the fear and anxiety is so great that we do not even realize we are in a state of panic until it paralyzes us. Every step you take and every tip you try is one more weapon you have against your Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

So feel free to share your tips and even the things that did not work for you with us in the comments below. If you have any questions, you can also follow us on twitter and send us a direct message Who knows, maybe we can help each other…

 

Mother to Daughter

It’s not a secret that I have some mommy issues… Most days I think that it’s sort of pathetic and childish. But other days I remember why I put up that barrier between me and my mother.

I know we all have our family dysfunction and that affects our relationships but mine wasn’t always like that. My mom always wanted to be my friend but I just wanted her to be my mother. We had our fair share of fights – mostly involving my hair but we found a way around it. And there was this little thing that happened when I was 4 that pretty much meant I became the adult in our relationship but all of that was normal to me.

The trouble only really started when I was 20 and my mom kept something from me. I know that she had her reasons for it and I know that I chose to believe the lie rather than believe that she could lie to me but the fact that she told everyone else the truth – including my cousins’ flat mates, 5min after we met them – that hurt me most. It also destroyed my trust and 5years later I have not really recovered yet. But that’s not the thing that’s bothering me or the reason I break out in a cold sweat every time I even think about talking to her.

The day before my 21st birthday, my mother had a fight with her boyfriend and during that fight I experienced two very different but incredibly significant moments. The first was my proudest moment ever: to make a long story short, I told them both to stop acting like little kids and bestowed some wisdom on them. The second moment had somewhat less of a positive effect on my self-worth. In the middle of my mother’s silly but explosive fight with her new boyfriend – actually the first and only one she has had since my dad passed away – tempers were high and she tried to use me as leverage. Firstly this bugged me because this was the first time I’d met this man (9 months after they started seeing each other) and also because I do not like being used as anyone’s emotional pawn. My mother threatened her boyfriend that she would tell me some deep dark secret that happened when I was 2 years old.

Now that just blew my mind! How could my mother tell a ‘complete stranger’ about something that affected my life? Why would she bring it up in the middle of the night right before my Birthday? Why would he care about hurting my feelings when he doesn’t even know me? Why would my mother stoop to such low levels to win a fight at the cost of her only child’s sanity? And then the question that has plagued me ever since: what is the secret?

I remember something… something that happened when I was little and I remember being scared and hurt and angry but by the time I was 4, I had convinced myself that it was a figment of my imagination that I created to make my life seem more interesting. So basically my mind is a blank. I have no idea what my mother is hiding from me. I have no idea what her boyfriend knows about me that I do not remember. I have no idea what could be so bad that my mother has refused to tell me about. And that sucks…

Not a week goes by that I do not wonder what happened. What did my dad do that was so bad that my mom cannot talk to me about it? Why can’t I remember? Do I even want to remember? Will knowing help me or just haunt me more? I don’t have answers to these questions but I’m trying to not allow them to affect my life.

And yesterday I think I succeeded… well, for a little bit. I WhatsApped my mother for most of the day. We talked about sport and about the family and about politics and about future plans and about our work and the people in our lives. It was great. OK, I have to admit that as soon as we finished, I was over thinking it and really freaked out and emotional but at least I am trying and I take comfort in that. I guess practice makes perfect, so I need to practice talking to my mother like normal families do. Holding on to those little moments of joy before the emotional turmoil, is a starting point…

Stop The Rain

Rain + No electricity = me writing a lot. So here’s something else I just scribbled down in the last few days: Stop the rain

*****

I’m the bird caught out by the rain

Hiding beside a gutter drain

Trying my best to stay dry

When all I really want to do is cry

Can you even see me sitting here?

Or aren’t these words coming through, clear

When it rains, it truly pours

When it ends, heaven locks all its doors

Need a hand to reach out and save me

Trying to get over it is driving me crazy

Want to break through this elution of pain

I just don’t know how to stop the rain

Still waiting it out on my perch

Can’t even remember the last time I went to church

Watching the drops flood the ground below

Lost in thought, didn’t even hear you say Hello

You’ve been watching while I quiver

Can you really guide me through this river?

When it rains, it truly pours

When it ends, heaven locks all its doors

Need a hand to reach out and save me

Trying to get over it is driving me crazy

Want to break through this elution of pain

I just don’t know how to stop the rain

Scared to leave the safety of my withdrawal

Not sure I can trust anything at all

But the cold is getting to me

Willingly trapped, I want to be free

Shakily I fluff out my feathers

Venturing the changing weathers

When it rains, it truly pours

When it ends, heaven locks all its doors

*****

AM