Posts Tagged ‘Future’

Work To Change The World

I’ve been career hopping for the last 6years… I remembered the moment when I decided to abandon my dreams and go in a totally opposite direction. I could just never figure out why I actually made the change.

Last Sunday that all changed. I had a penny dropping moment! It was huge and such a relief after years of feeling like a total looser but now that I understand it means I have to get out of this funk of dwelling around in circles and actually chose what I want for my future.

As a little girl I always believed that I could change the world and I really, really wanted to do just that! I found an artistic way to do that and help people understand someone else’s perspective and I was really good at it. But then my dad died and I made a lot of decisions during that period… a lot of them hurt the people around me and I started doubting that I was worthy of changing the world. Who says that my way is better? Who says that I know better? Who says that my vision was the right one… maybe I was more blind than everyone else put together… So I turned my back on the thing I loved and my biggest passion because I was scared that I would screw up the world.

I moved to the opposite side of the world and wanted to do something so implosive that the only ones my actions affected were the ones inside the building and I was just as affected by theirs but the rest of the world had no idea what we did or who we were and that was the way it was meant to be. I loved it… I loved not having the pressure of changing the world on my shoulders. You need to understand that since I was 4 years old, I wanted to make a difference and safe the world and this idea grew over time and eventually mutated into this insane amount of pressure that I was placing on myself… 15 years of dealing with this pressure and finally I got a break from it. Like I said, I loved it… well, for the first 2months that is. I started to feel something was missing but I still really liked the people around me and the fact that I could control this microcosm of a world we worked and pretty much lived in, so I stayed another 4years.

As a Gemini, I adapt and I work really hard to become the best at everything I do – I don’t always make it but most of the time trying is more than enough. I got a little lost in being the best and lost myself in the process. So one day I woke up and I realized that I wanted more than an awesome career; I wanted a life. Once again I moved to the other side of the world and started over. Yet another career that had nothing to do with previous ones…

Two years later, I still feel like a failure at this job (my directors and co-workers would disagree) and I couldn’t understand how I could be this miserable in my working environment and yet be so incredibly happy at night when I close my eyes. On Sunday I realized that even though my job doesn’t affect the world and I do not feel like I am superwoman for doing it, its mediocrity allows me to do something that is actually changing the world. I get to work with the amazing Chrisselle on a little project we call Don’t Lose Your Grip.

For those of you who do not know – DLYG is basically a support network for anyone who suffers from an eating disorder, mental illness or self harms. It is also a place for friends and family members of sufferers to ask for advice and be exposed to the experiences of others that can help them understand it better. We discuss all of these issues openly in the hopes of reminding each other that we are not alone. Ok, so I did not singlehandedly save the planet from a meteor that would have destroyed it or find a cure for global warming but I like to believe that through this project, we have made at least one person’s life a little bit better… and that’s pretty cool.

So yeah, my job sucks sometimes but as long as I get to be part of something as amazing as Don’t Lose Your Grip, then it’s a sacrifice I’ll gladly make.

Backwards Evolution

I was having a little trouble seeing the gorgeous sunset right in front of me, so sat down and wrote this: Backwards Evolution

*****

Sitting here in the garden

And I start to wonder

When did the sound of a boy playing ball become an irritation?

When did the sound of my heart beat drown out the early birds tweets?

 

Isn’t this life meant to be better?

Isn’t evolution meant to bring peace?

How did we manage to screw up nature?

Claim to uphold it but we ignore it

 

Walking on the beach

Fully dressed, can’t wait to get back to the office

When did the beauty stop being beautiful

When did the roar of the ocean fade beneath the thoughts in my head?

 

Isn’t this life meant to be better?

Isn’t evolution meant to bring peace?

How did we manage to screw up nature?

Claim to uphold it but we ignore it

 

Driving down the highway

Telephone poles and mountains all become one blur

When did a mountain shrink to the point where I can miss it?

When did the sound of the radio become the crutch I use to refuse the silence?

 

Isn’t this life meant to be better?

Isn’t evolution meant to bring peace?

How did we manage to screw up nature?

Claim to uphold it but we ignore it

 

Finally make it home

Not even the dog has enough energy to greet me

When did I become obsolete in my own life?

When did life start controlling me? Am I just the pawn?

 

Isn’t this life meant to be better?

Isn’t evolution meant to bring peace?

How did we manage to screw up nature?

Claim to uphold it but we ignore it

 

Just about to enter dreamland

A place I can control and envision a future I want

Maybe I can find inspiration or just a little bit of hope

Maybe, just maybe it’s not too late for me to be the difference

*****

Sharing my view,

AM

Consulting My Thirty Year Old Self

Just a little something I wrote while listening to P!nk’s I’m not dead album.

Thought I’d share it: Consulting my 30 year old self

*****

Don’t forget now; remember the person you use to be

All the things you fought for, the things you dreamed you’ll be

I don’t know you yet but if you’re anything like me

All your dreams will most definitely be reality

Even failures by others standards make you happy

For you’ve lived your life fully

 

Look back on the kid that fell of the swing

Got back up and learned how to jump

From a little one struggling to reach the light switch-thing

To the women she’ll become

You get to look back and see it all work out

 

Don’t forget now; remember the person you use to be

All the things you fought for, the things you dreamed you’ll be

I don’t know you yet but if you’re anything like me

All your dreams will most definitely be reality

Even failures by others standards make you happy

For you’ve lived your life fully

 

Look back comparing the 10 year old who cries to her dog

Learned to trust herself and fight her own battles

From the girl who wakes up terrified walking through the fog

To the women she’ll become

You get to look back and see it’s all good

 

Don’t forget now; remember the person you use to be

All the things you fought for, the things you dreamed you’ll be

I don’t know you yet but if you’re anything like me

All your dreams will most definitely be reality

Even failures by others standards make you happy

For you’ve lived your life fully

 

Look back as a teenager has no time to just relax

Juggling plates like she has 20 hands

From a young adult who laughs so no one sees the fear behind the cracks

To the women she’ll become

You get to look back and see me pull through

 

Don’t forget now; remember the person you use to be

All the things you fought for, the things you dreamed you’ll be

I don’t know you yet but if you’re anything like me

All your dreams will most definitely be reality

Even failures by others standards make you happy

For you’ve lived your life fully

 

Look back while a kid makes adult decisions heard in a fable

Speaking words of wisdom that force elders to listen

From a minor who has learned to be brave and vulnerable

To the women she’ll become

You get to look back and see us reclaim me

 

Don’t forget now; remember the person you use to be

All the things you fought for, the things you dreamed you’ll be

I don’t know you yet but if you’re anything like me

All your dreams will most definitely be reality

Even failures by others standards make you happy

For you’ve lived your life fully

 

Look back to now where I sit here thinking of the you I haven’t met

Wondering where I go from here and how long it’ll take

From a women in training who’s not quite there yet

To the women she’ll become

You get to look back and see your younger me

 

Don’t forget now; remember the person you use to be

All the things you fought for, the things you dreamed you’ll be

I don’t know you yet but if you’re anything like me

All your dreams will most definitely be reality

Even failures by others standards make you happy

For you’ve lived your life fully

*****

The road ahead

With all things happening so quickly it is hard to say where we’ll be even next week, let alone ‘the future’. But in my honest opinion: I am glad that this happened.

Not so much the way it happened or the sadness and pain involved but definitely the freedom that comes as a result. Losing the farm [for the second time in 10years] your father built from scratch is obviously not easy but for the first time they have a choice in their path ahead. Since JS’s dad was born it was expected of him to grow up to take care of the farm and that was that. He would be a farmer forever and this was decided before he even had a name. With the farm gone and nothing forcing him to stay, he gets to choose.

Whatever he wants to do and where ever he wants to do it, he only has to think of himself because for once no one will blame him for walking away. The fought for 11 years; they started over 7 times with absolutely nothing; they came back and tried again; they stuck it out while everyone else left and in the end none of it really mattered. So this time, they have a clear conscience and no one will dare to say they did not try to make it work. No one can point a finger or suggest anything else they could have done. This time people will support their life choice no matter what it may be.

I’m not sure any of this makes since, I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m just choosing to see the silver lining where everyone else has chosen to sit in the shadow of the dark clouds. It can only get better…

Just a thought,

AM