Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Stranger on the other side of the world

I spent the best part of the evening Facebook Stalking some old fiends… most of these guys I haven’t spoken to in years. Some of them probably don’t even really remember me anymore but they were a big part of my life, of who I am.

As I liked random posts on their pages all of these memories flooded in, I remembered all these things we use to do and say to each other and I also remembered all of the things I never said.

Like to Ludi: You were my friend during a time when I couldn’t let anyone in

Gerhard: You helped me realize that my passion is not defined by those who hand out awards

Egle: Sometimes being nice doesn’t mean that you will finish last

Minouw: You were always way cooler than me and even though I never admitted it to you, you inspired me

Lara: It took guts to change the path your parents wanted you to take but that gave so many of us the guts to do the same

Malisa: I never meant to insult you; I just didn’t see all the other parts to you…

Even with all of this technology and ways of communicating, I still can’t bring myself to say any of this to them, not even from the other side of the world… So what’s stopping me? Well, probably a touch of fear and a bit of “what’s in the past should stay in the past” although I think it’s mostly just a concern that if I said these things to them it would mean that I want them in my life again… actively at least. And everything they represent. I’ve spent years trying to get away from or not revert back to the person I was back then.  

Someone filled with anger; a person who would rather have the world pretend that they never existed; someone who denied so many parts of themselves because they wanted to believe that they were normal; someone who really just wanted to get life over and done with to see how it all turns out; someone who would read TV guide and pretend to have watched the shows just so that her friends wouldn’t realize how close to drowning she really was. This person who didn’t ask for help and wouldn’t even allow herself to help her, this person who spent years observing the world and analyzing every aspect of it rather than just live and enjoy it, this person who was a lot better at pushing people away than allowing them in… I don’t want to be this person anymore… I can’t go back to that because it took me so long to get away from that.

Yet, I like my friends and I miss them. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call them and say, “Hi, how’s life treating you?” Maybe someday I’ll get there but for the moment it’s good to know that all of the moments I have survived and all of the people I have encountered in my life made a difference, they have had an impact on who I am and what I believe in. So maybe, just maybe I have left an imprint on a few of their lives too, maybe I matter to some stranger on the other side of the world…

All over again!

It’s been a while since I posted something. Partially because I’ve been writing things for my baby cousin instead and spent a little time telling the people in my life what I was thinking directly and not via social media.

It’s paid off. I’ve been having a bit of a hectic month. I’m looking for a new job; the place we were supposed to move to at the end of the month is no longer available so I desperately need a room to rent and my mother and her boyfriend are coming to visit in 2 weeks which is quite stressful. It’s not that I don’t love seeing my mother or that I don’t miss her, we just have a long history and as with all Virgo’s in my life I tend to get really stressed out in their presence. All of these crazy things were messing me up to the extent where I was withdrawing from the one person I love most in this world.

I was getting snippy and overreacting to everything JS was saying and it got to the point where I considered pretending to be asleep when he got home so that I wouldn’t have to talk to him. That sucks!!! So the other night he came home really really late and I was a bit sick so I was actually sleeping and he sat next to me on the bed and woke me up and said: “I’m sorry” At first I thought he meant sorry for waking me up, so I just said fine and turned around to continue sleeping but he gently tapped me on the shoulder and said it again: “I’m sorry” And I got it this time!

I can’t really explain how many feelings and emotions came rushing at me that very second but to be able to hug him and hold him and just have a whole conversation with one touch is something truly magical. Anyway, we talked and we said a lot of the things we were keeping bottled up while we were walking on eggshells and as it turns out we have the same fears and doubts. Now that it is out in the open it is so much easier to just be around each other again.

It’s like we get to stop being mad at the situation and focus on all the things we love about being together. This morning I woke up and I couldn’t stop smiling: no matter what! I just keep seeing him and it’s like I fall in love with him all over again every time I hear his voice or think of him. Being in love is amazing but falling in love with that one person you truly love all over again, is even better. We tend to get so distracted by all the crap in our lives that we forget about the amazing people we have to share this life with. 

No matter what life throws at you: You are not alone! It might feel like you are; you might not be able to see how much the people around you care but ultimately, they are still there. You are not alone, so don’t pretend to be. Don’t cut yourself off from the ones who love you, don’t bottle up your emotions, let it out…

 I’m a little out of practice with this whole sharing thing but basically it comes down to this: I love the people in my life and if I let them, they’ll love me too.

The end,

AM

My silly little life

You know what; I love a lot of things. I love how everything looks greener when it rains; I love how awesome cold water tastes on a really hot day and I love splashing someone with soapy water while washing the car.

There are about million other things like that I absolutely love about my life. This weekend I got to do a lot of them. Had a stroll through a Christmas market; had ice-cream with sprinkles on; made a huge fire that took 3 hours to cool down before we could actually start making food… Watched how someone meticulously mowed the lawn allowing us that unique smell of freshly cut grass; played werewolf and ghosts with a three year old; played the best drinking game ever and half of us weren’t even drinking alcohol!

Something else I love is the fact that I can list these things. Less than a year ago my whole life revolved around my career and I really couldn’t focus on anything else. Now I have time to sit down and talk to relative strangers about hats and ‘The old country’. I get to plan something without the fear of having to cancel at the last minute due to a sudden ‘emergency’ at the hotel. I got to spend the whole day with the man I love just doing normal things like grocery shopping and LAN gaming.

The day ended perfectly with a bunch of friends just sitting around a table waiting for the fire to settle down while playing an interesting version of a Monopoly like game: Dop Property. I’m not a fan of drinking games but I have to admit this one is intense! It’s really funny and that was when we were still sober so I can only imagine that it gets a lot more interesting when we are actually drunk. Half of us were only drinking normal cool drinks but that game pretty much makes everyone drink 3 portions every round and that’s if you’re lucky. So those of us on nun-alcoholic drinks had a severe sugar rush and this morning we had bigger hangovers than the actual drinkers. It was a lot of fun and nothing complicated, just a group of friends hanging out.

The cherry on the cake was today when we were washing the car. I know that might sound a bit silly but I love being outside and sharing something mundane like washing a vehicle with the person you want to share the rest of your life with. Just the subtle co operation and congratulations afterwards [you really have not seen a dirty car until you go where they drive on gravel more than on tar]. We did a smasher of a job and of course nothing can beat Handy Andy and the sound of some good music in the background.

I’m having a good day living my silly little life!

Till later,

AM

Story Teller

I’m not really sure anyone will be interested in reading any of the things I’ve written. To be honest I’m not even sure I’ll have the guts to publish it…

Most of what I share is just everyday stuff and random observations mixed with some crazy thoughts but some of it I share because I can. There are a lot of people who live similar lives to mine but I’m not writing this for them, I’m sharing my experiences for those of you who will never have the opportunity to meet the people I know or go the places I’ve been. They may not be famous people or rare locations but they are different and amazing in their own right.

Obviously if you ever want to talk to me about anything I write or think, you know where to reach me. If you find my babbling boring, I won’t take it personally. At the end of the day I just feel obligated to share at much of my experiences with who ever will be willing to listen.

I love my life and the people in it and sometimes I feel so incredibly blessed that I almost start feeling guilty. It is at these times I am inspired to share what I’ve learned or even what I’m still struggling to understand.

I hope you don’t mind that I’m taking up perfectly good bandwidth in order to play story teller…

Just a thought,

AM