Posts Tagged ‘Missing’

It Hurts

Honestly I don’t remember writing this at all but then again generally I’m highly emotion when I write so here’s a very honest piece of me: It hurts

*****

I walk through this house

I look through that album

And I don’t see myself

I don’t recognize anyone in those photos

Because I can’t remember the moments

It hurts too much to feel

I can only see the person I am now

The people you have become

Those who do not know him

And those who see only him

When they should be seeing me

I drive down these roads

I notice every house, every building

And pass a million memories

I wish that I didn’t have the attachments

Because I have to breathe before I can speak

It hurts too much to feel

I can only see the person I am now

The people you have become

Those who do not know him

And those who see only him

When they should be seeing me

I avoid the restaurants

I turn the corner

And look at the same mountain

I can not hide or even pretend to forget

Because it all reminds me of way back when

It hurts too much to feel

I can only see the person I am now

The people you have become

Those who do not know him

And those who see only him

When they should be seeing me

I go away, far away

I always find a reason to come back

And try again, try to face you again

Because you are a part of me now, forever

Even though it hurts so much when I feel

*****

Sharing my view,

AM

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Privilege of being human

I’ve been enjoying a quiet day watching movies and watching the rain and I love the symmetry. I love how the weather can match my inner emotions and that I can use the excuse of a sad movie to expose my mood.

I’m not exactly a master manipulator who never reveals my feelings; it’s just that I prefer to understand them before I share them… There are about 8 little things I could mention that would account for my dim mood but ultimately I can sum it up in one word: miss. I miss some of the people I’ve shared my life with. Some of them I won’t see again on this side of heaven and some I just won’t see again because our lives have taken separate roads.

As much as I despise this annoying cheerlessness, I also believe it is much needed. For a long time (3years to be exact) I was avoiding these feelings that made me seem less than perfect or rather to be completely honest: I was avoiding all feelings. I actually became one of those people who would listen to a really funny joke and instead of laughing at the punch line, I’d simply just say: “That’s funny”. Thankfully that irritated me enough to actively start doing something to rectify this crazy denial.

I didn’t want to deal with missing those people I cared about in my life, so I found it easier to just pretend they were never really part of my life. Almost to the point where I was starting to wonder if I was even still part of my life. Let me explain what I mean by that. I wouldn’t really care about anything. My only prerequisite for a cup of coffee was that it be warm… I didn’t care if there was sugar in it or if it was black or white or filter or in a large mug or tiny cup. I didn’t care what I looked like or what others said about me and to some extent I’m glad about that but the fact that I stopped caring about what I think of myself and how I see myself was a major concern.

So after I pushed away some of the most important people in my life with my lack of feelings, I realized that to show emotions is human. So if I didn’t show emotions, then I might not be human anymore. My main problem was to un-pause this biological emotion machine and get it back up and running. So I watched this marathon of sad movies and cried until I had no more tears and then I watched a few more and started writing down how I felt after I felt it, not instead of ~ which was what I had been doing for the last few years. And that was only a few months ago but I can honestly say that I can laugh again and I can get angry again and now if you make me a cup of coffee you’d better get a notepad for my instructions.

For me crying doesn’t always represent sadness, it is just a way for me to acknowledge that I have emotions about whatever. I think in this world where we live at lightning speed and deal with multiple situations simultaneously, it is good to just stop and admit that we are still human complete with emotions that mess with our minds. So today I took this lovely rainy weather as a sign that I should check in with my inner self and make sure I don’t deny myself the privilege of being human.

Emotions are just like any of the muscles we have in our body: we need to exercise them or we’ll end up forgetting how to use them. Or even more concerning is the possibility that we’ll forget the people who initially made us feel them.

Just sharing my view,

AM

Hate Missing You

Things have quiet down here a bit. I got back to Harare the day before yesterday and after dinner with the parents it was good to go back home. Just to lie in the arms of the one I love.

Even though I was more comfortable than ever, I found it hard to sleep. Like a part of me was so afraid that if I fell asleep, I might wake up without him next to me. He actually woke up with my hand-print on his wrist because I didn’t let go all night. I love him and the thought – just a fleeting thought- of not waking up next to him in 20years paralyzes me.

It’s like I just want to hold onto him whenever he is nearby and when he leaves, even just to go to work, I hate it. I hate not being able to reach-out and hold him. I hate having to wait for the next time I see him. I hate missing him but I absolutely love loving him!

I’m finding it hard to focus on what I want to write or even figure out if I had a point behind this thought. I keep going back to him and how his hair flips in 20 different directions at the same time for an effortlessly perfect look. My mind won’t let me forget that knows my thoughts almost as well as I do and logic is just no match for our emotions. I try to pretend that I can get around it but it keeps coming back to the same thing: I love everything about him.

In hindsight it probably wasn’t the best choice to watch The Timetraveler’s Wife or well at least I shouldn’t have watched it without him here. It’s a nice movie, not my favourite but it’s just good enough to make me wonder how long we have together and which challenges we’ll face in our future…

I always believe that time is relative and since I’m going to live to be 104, it’s not all that relative to me. I just wish the people in my life would live that long too, and then we’d have all the time in the world to make all the mistakes we possibly could and still have enough time left to fix them. Sadly, I doubt we’ll all get that old. Maybe that’s a good thing: maybe this unwritten deadline is the thing that pushes us to be everything we can be and not allow ourselves to slip into a state of comfort that eventually translates into procrastination and a lack of direction.

Maybe we have to make everyday count in order for us to truly be alive, right? Maybe the little things we take for granted everyday is exactly what gets us through those moments alone. Maybe we should treat every moment we spend together like we haven’t seen each other in ages, maybe then we won’t feel so lonely when we’re alone?

Or maybe I just miss him way to much… but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I wouldn’t trade this painful missing-ness because I know the joy of togetherness.

Till later,

AM

Missing you already

We decided that I should stay and help JS’s parents unpack and settle in while he goes back to Harare. This is all very logical since I know exactly where everything is packed and I don’t have any real commitments in Harare at the moment. However, I miss him already… He hasn’t even left the driveway and I’m already looking at him with puppy-dog eyes practically begging him to stay. I had to close the steal gate as quickly as possible because I was on the brink of running in front of his bakkie; jumping on the hood and shouting: “Don’t go!” I’m not good with goodbyes. I’ve never been. This may be rooted in the times we use to leave my grandparents house after the long holidays to undertake the 12 hour drive back home or maybe I just feel bad for being lousy at phone conversations and afraid I won’t be able to keep in touch when we can’t speak face to face. Maybe I just love the people in life so much that I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Whatever the case, sometimes we have to part ways. Sometimes it’s for longer than we could ever have imagined. All I can do is hope that it will only be for a few days and start imagining the things we’ll do when we see each other again. I love his parents I can take comfort in knowing that they probably miss him almost as much as I do. On the bright side this gives me time to hear all the stories about him in diapers. I love loving him and I guess we’ll have to say goodbye many more times, let’s just hope we get to say ‘Hello’ even more times. In the time it took me to write this short piece, I already sent him 4 messages that he can’t reply to because he’s still driving home. To him it may seem like I’m pestering him but I just want to make sure he knows that I think about him when he’s not around and that I love him always… Think I’m going to go pester him some more.

Till later,

AM