Posts Tagged ‘Nature’

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Calm Before The Storm

This post isn’t a lecture or political opinion; it’s just a description of my life: the calm before the storm. I never thought I’d be using that phrase to describe myself.

I have this amazing sense of calm and peace around me, especially with the amount of nature surrounding me, yet inside I have about a million issues I still have to work on. According to me, my life has always been pretty perfect. Even when everything went up in flames, it seemed to lead to great things, so I have come to believe that all things happen for a reason and if you manage to push through the chaos, everything will work out even better than you could have hoped.

When I was about 12 I started analyzing my life… I actually always analyzed the things I’d done; I blame it on being an only child and having a set bed time that did not match my energy levels. So when I turned 12 I knew exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and since my future made sense, I figured it would be a good time to make sure my past made sense to me too. I didn’t want my plans for my perfect future to be ruined by something silly I regret doing (or not doing) when I was still a kid. As strange as it sounds, even at that age, I knew I had some hidden issues that would come back to haunt me one day if I didn’t deal with them properly.

But just because I knew I had to deal with them, doesn’t mean I actually had the courage to deal with all of them or even that those I dealt with wouldn’t still come back one day. So here’s a little list of the things I still have to deal with:

My brother: meeting him and losing him and being too afraid to say sorry to him…

Whatever ‘bad’ thing my dad did when I was 2 and why I managed to convince myself it never happened by the time I was 4…

Not being there for my friends when we were 17 and they felt they were out of options…

Whatever my cousin misunderstood from that vague conversation we had about homosexuality when I was only 13 and had no idea what she was talking about…

That moment I hesitated when my dad had his stroke and even the photo I never took a week before…

The trust my mother lost when I chose to believe the lie instead of believing that she could lie to me…

How loosing family members to hereditary cancers has managed to make me afraid of getting tested, even though I know early detection is key…

And how I would still claim JS’s family as my own even if we ever broke-up…

Clearly I’m nowhere near perfect… but I’m working on it… it’ll just take some time. I know we all have issues but mine’s getting tired of hiding. Just to be clear, I didn’t list those things to gain pity or make any of you feel better about your lives, I did it because it’s way too easy for me to be outsmarted by me. I can easily compartmentalize all these things ~ I’ve been doing it for years! But if I write it down on a piece of paper that I can’t throw in the back of a random drawer, then I might actually be forced to deal with all of it. So you, whoever you are or where ever you’re from, you are my witness. You – even if we’ve never spoken before- will hold me accountable and because of you – yes, you! – I will one day be able to close my eyes and enjoy the silence because there will be no memories haunting me.

If you’re wondering where the calm amidst the storm is then let me move outside my mind just long enough to tell you what I’ve been up to the last few days. Despite the crazy amount of electricity disruptions, I’ve managed to bake everything from rusks and koeksisters to these amazing biscuits and cakes with my future mother in law. I have had heartfelt conversations with a 16 year old I hope will one day be my sister in law. I have also planted an excellent range of vegetables in our huge garden! Plus there was this incident with the semi-tame-mostly-wild mongoose being on heat and according to a friend of mine… uhm… it totally outsmarted me with reverse psychology and well I’m not prepared to say more. Since it’s summer there is a constant need to dip the sheep and prevent them from getting ill so I got an interesting sock-tan from doing that all day and yesterday I helped deliver a calf… ok fine, I just stood there and made sure the other cows didn’t interfere but I’m claiming it as ‘helping’. I’ve also fallen asleep with 4 little toi-poms on top of me and the mongoose licking the golden glitter of my P!nk shirt… Spent the nights sleeping peacefully- except for the occasional mosquito- with my windows wide open [that might not seem like much but if you’re from South Africa, you’d understand just how amazing that really is]. I’ve woken up with streaks of sun blasting through my window and someone’s arms around me. Someone who really cares about me, no matter how messed up I think I am, he sees something in me that’s worth holding on to.

Zimbabwe truly is a beautiful land and if you can just get past the potholes and weirdness of getting chocolates instead of change, then you’d be able to over look the political chaos long enough to fall in love with the original fountain of hope.

As I sit here with a zillion thoughts rushing through my head, just hearing the chirpy chatter of the birds and a tractor starting in the distance is enough to leave me with a smile on my face. As chaotic as my mind is right now, I don’t doubt for a single second that everything is going to work out great, simply because I’m experiencing the beauty of our crazy world… The beauty has never gone away, we just stopped seeing it. And I’m ready to start looking at it again.

AM

Backwards Evolution

I was having a little trouble seeing the gorgeous sunset right in front of me, so sat down and wrote this: Backwards Evolution

*****

Sitting here in the garden

And I start to wonder

When did the sound of a boy playing ball become an irritation?

When did the sound of my heart beat drown out the early birds tweets?

 

Isn’t this life meant to be better?

Isn’t evolution meant to bring peace?

How did we manage to screw up nature?

Claim to uphold it but we ignore it

 

Walking on the beach

Fully dressed, can’t wait to get back to the office

When did the beauty stop being beautiful

When did the roar of the ocean fade beneath the thoughts in my head?

 

Isn’t this life meant to be better?

Isn’t evolution meant to bring peace?

How did we manage to screw up nature?

Claim to uphold it but we ignore it

 

Driving down the highway

Telephone poles and mountains all become one blur

When did a mountain shrink to the point where I can miss it?

When did the sound of the radio become the crutch I use to refuse the silence?

 

Isn’t this life meant to be better?

Isn’t evolution meant to bring peace?

How did we manage to screw up nature?

Claim to uphold it but we ignore it

 

Finally make it home

Not even the dog has enough energy to greet me

When did I become obsolete in my own life?

When did life start controlling me? Am I just the pawn?

 

Isn’t this life meant to be better?

Isn’t evolution meant to bring peace?

How did we manage to screw up nature?

Claim to uphold it but we ignore it

 

Just about to enter dreamland

A place I can control and envision a future I want

Maybe I can find inspiration or just a little bit of hope

Maybe, just maybe it’s not too late for me to be the difference

*****

Sharing my view,

AM