Posts Tagged ‘Random’

Post #1

I use to write a lot. I guess that’s the worst part of depression (at least for me), no longer enjoying the things that use to make you happy. Not even wanting to try doing them anymore… Someone reminded me yesterday that I have the power – at the very least in my good days – to do the things I use to love. To make those things that I ‘use to do’ things I still do.

So here I am: a former writer who no longer knows if she can actually put a fully processed thought on paper any more… but I want to try! Like someone who has been on sabbatical or stuck with writers-block for years, I awkwardly spit out these words that might give me a glimpse into the inner workings of my mind… or maybe just a string of ramblings that will only make sense to me years from now… Who knows? What I do know is that I love words! I love the way my mind works, well most of the time that is. And if I could have one more opportunity to share my view with whoever is willing to listen or even just with that part of me that doesn’t always understand the rest of me, then I know it will be worth giving this a shot again.

So much has happened and yet nothing has changed. I still believe in the same 4 rules I made up for life when I was 5 years old and I still have all of the same experiences and thoughts of grandeur that will either lead me to tell my grandchildren a lot of almost-maybe-elaborated-stories or leave them with a legacy that they can be proud of. In the meantime, I just want to get back to a place where I am not afraid of what people think of me. Somewhere where I accept myself despite all of my many flaws and fears. Just a little corner in my mind that is free from the shadows that I use to keep others at bay….

So, for all intensive purposes, this is post number 1. And I’m sharing my view, feel free to share yours in the comments too.

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Worth the fight

I don’t do discussions about ED just because I care; I do it because I’ve been there. Every bite is a mixture between a victory lap and the sinking feeling of defeat. I don’t talk about mental health just because a few of my friends have tried to commit suicide, I do it because as soon as I open my eyes I have to start fighting a daily battle just to make myself get out of bed… And then I look at the person next to me and it seems to come so naturally to them. I don’t speak openly about self-harm just because I’m worried that my little cousins or even my kids one day will be stuck in this same pattern of pain. I do it for them and everyone out there feeling as alone as I have felt most of my life… to a large degree I do it for me.

There are a million things I feel I should say to all of you bothering to read this little piece of me but basically I just want you to know that you are not alone and slowly but surely we are all learning to understand not just the disorders and illnesses that mess with us on a regular basis but we are also helping others understand that there is more to us than a frustrating diagnosis. You are amazing and if today is not going that well. Just remember one little good thing that has made you smile in your life so far. You just need one little reason to smile, even just for a moment… It does get better and it is worth the fight.

You are not alone

Titbits

Some random titbits of information I have learned over the last few days.

  1. This one guy [I won’t say how he fits into the picture of my life during the last two weeks] is running for mayor during the next elections. His massive strategy to win the seat is to by underwear! Yip, he is clearly the right person for the job *sarcasm*. He figured that investing in loads of panties and then handing it out to all of the women in town, would guarantee their votes… When did governments get reduced to this? We’ll have to wait and see if his strategy pans out.

 

  1. Apparently England will be paying out the Zimbabwe farmers. Those farmers whose land has been confiscated by the War Veterans will be paid for the infrastructure they put in place on their individual farms. I’m not sure if they will be paid for all of their farms or just for one or even maybe just a select few but it’s better than nothing. If you’re wondering why the UK is coughing up and paying the bill, well that’s because those farmers who lost their land and livelihood were fighting on England’s side during the war they are now being penalised for.

 

  1. I’m not a fan of Sangomas (witchdoctors) but a lot of people believe they can prophesy the future and decipher dreams. One dream that multiple people have repeatedly had is the one of war. Troops to their left and troops to their right fighting it out while they stand unharmed in the middle. These Sangomas have interpreted it as a war waiting to happen and when it does these white farmers will not be involved and will not be harmed, they will leave unscathed as everyone else feel content on destroying their brothers.

 Sharing my view,

AM

My left hand

As strange as it sounds, I would like to tell you about my left hand. There’s nothing unusually strange about my left hand; I’ve had it since birth and it is not the hand I write with. This is more a random observation of pain.

I was trying to carry 2 glasses today [one in each hand] but had a bit of trouble. Not because my hands couldn’t carry them but because my left hand was practically covered with Jermaline. Pink antiseptic cream wasn’t exactly the decoration I wanted with my drink so it took a bit of careful touching to get my glass to the lapa.

The reason I had Jermaline all over my hand is mainly an animal thing. First DoDo bit me by accident while we were playing and I only realised it the next morning so it doesn’t actually hurt but with her being a wild animal and all, antiseptic is advised. Then came the cats during our hurried/bewildered moving. They were calm until the new owners kept slamming things and scaring the living daylights out of the poor kitties: Harry even went up the chimney to hide and in the process of getting him down, deep scratches ensued. Add a few scrapes and cuts from heavy objects and door frames and pretty much frustration and my hand will start to look like something out of a Hitchcock movie. Somewhere during the unpacking I was delegating boxes and sorting them in one room [the room DoDo decided she wanted to be in] and after she narrowly missed biting the movers several times I continued to move all the boxes and somewhere in there it got to be too much for her eager curiosity and as I retracted my hand after placing a box on the ground, DoDo leaped and went right for my middle finger. Consequently I have several gashes on my finger where her teeth got hooked in as I was pulling away. I’m quite proud of the fact that I didn’t get any blood on the carpet or even the other boxes.

I’m sorry if that was a bit gross but I just found it fascinating that with all of this activity around my left hand, my right hand is scrape-free. I haven’t even chipped a nail…

Sharing my view,

AM