Posts Tagged ‘regret’

Stranger on the other side of the world

I spent the best part of the evening Facebook Stalking some old fiends… most of these guys I haven’t spoken to in years. Some of them probably don’t even really remember me anymore but they were a big part of my life, of who I am.

As I liked random posts on their pages all of these memories flooded in, I remembered all these things we use to do and say to each other and I also remembered all of the things I never said.

Like to Ludi: You were my friend during a time when I couldn’t let anyone in

Gerhard: You helped me realize that my passion is not defined by those who hand out awards

Egle: Sometimes being nice doesn’t mean that you will finish last

Minouw: You were always way cooler than me and even though I never admitted it to you, you inspired me

Lara: It took guts to change the path your parents wanted you to take but that gave so many of us the guts to do the same

Malisa: I never meant to insult you; I just didn’t see all the other parts to you…

Even with all of this technology and ways of communicating, I still can’t bring myself to say any of this to them, not even from the other side of the world… So what’s stopping me? Well, probably a touch of fear and a bit of “what’s in the past should stay in the past” although I think it’s mostly just a concern that if I said these things to them it would mean that I want them in my life again… actively at least. And everything they represent. I’ve spent years trying to get away from or not revert back to the person I was back then.  

Someone filled with anger; a person who would rather have the world pretend that they never existed; someone who denied so many parts of themselves because they wanted to believe that they were normal; someone who really just wanted to get life over and done with to see how it all turns out; someone who would read TV guide and pretend to have watched the shows just so that her friends wouldn’t realize how close to drowning she really was. This person who didn’t ask for help and wouldn’t even allow herself to help her, this person who spent years observing the world and analyzing every aspect of it rather than just live and enjoy it, this person who was a lot better at pushing people away than allowing them in… I don’t want to be this person anymore… I can’t go back to that because it took me so long to get away from that.

Yet, I like my friends and I miss them. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call them and say, “Hi, how’s life treating you?” Maybe someday I’ll get there but for the moment it’s good to know that all of the moments I have survived and all of the people I have encountered in my life made a difference, they have had an impact on who I am and what I believe in. So maybe, just maybe I have left an imprint on a few of their lives too, maybe I matter to some stranger on the other side of the world…